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| "Lear and Cordelia" (1848) by Ford Madox Ford |
On page 4, the narrator claims that "Your most cutting critics are always your children" (4). Do you agree?
Would you characterize yourself or your siblings as your parents' "most cutting critics"?
Do you think a child's criticism of their parents is likely to be "cutting" because they know their parents best and are most likely to "hit the mark"? Or is it "cutting" because it seems ungenerous or ungrateful?
What determines when criticism is helpful and when it is cutting?
I would agree that your children are your biggest critics. They’re going to spend a lot of time around you as they grow up, and they’re going to develop lots of their own opinions as they do. The older they get, the more vocal they’ll likely be about them. I would agree that after spending years together, children know their parents best. Once children are adults of their own, they get to decide whether or not they want to act like their parents, so they’re definitely going to be critical. I think sometimes that can be kind of a hard thing to accept as a parent, so it makes it seem all the more “cutting”.
ReplyDeleteI find that it is most hurtful because parents often spend a lot of time thinking, planning, and executing with intent every little thing they do for their children, so when their children, fairly or otherwise, point out where they fell short, it makes it feel like a failure regardless.
ReplyDeleteI think that children are "cutting critics" however I believe that its less the because they know their parents so well and more that they don't have a filter. Children often say exactly what they are thinking without regard to how those words may affect someone else. Words have less emotional weight so they are more likely to point out something obvious even if it is critical.
ReplyDeleteWhether criticism is helpful or cutting depends on the person on the recieving end of it. Someone who is secure in themselves may take criticism as something to improve on while a person who is less secure may view the same criticism as a personal attack.
This comment is mine.
DeleteChildren are cutting critics; however, I feel that it is more due to the fact that children are brutally honest. I feel that children see their parents flaws more easily because they are the ones that are being raised with those flaws. A parent who doesn't know how to cook often hears it from their child first. Kids point things out; they are bold and observant.
ReplyDeleteThe way one perceives criticism depends almost entirely upon themselves. They can choose whether to accept the criticism and apply it, move on, or react. I find that cutting criticism often comes from those who are insecure about being called out, or those who thought that they had done the best work. I will say that helpful criticism comes from those who aren't arrogant and actually want to help instead of just pointing out flaws.
I do agree. I would definitely say my siblings and my parents are cutting critics, and it hurts more when they do critique me since they are family, so they know a lot about you, in some ways.
ReplyDeleteChildren don't critique people, especially family, in notorious ways most of the time. They say things because it's the truth, to them, and children are taught to tell the truth. It's only until it hurts are they taught to be mindful of the truth, or in this case, how they view or perceive something.
Criticism is helpful when you need it, even when you may not feel like you do, like with homework! It's good to be confident with your work, but sometimes it's good to listen to critique.
Now, when it is cutting is when it's said to be more of an attack rather than something that can be helpful. You can't work off of someone saying "that's wrong," but you can work off of someone saying "that's not right, but we can fix it with..."
Children can be plain rude and judgmental towards their parents, but I don't think they're their biggest critics, just more personal ones. The weight of their words depends on whether the parents take every little remark to heart. Some children are ungrateful, and their words can reflect that, but I would say that parents mostly view them as "cutting" because they haven't had raw criticism in a long time, especially from someone they care so much about. Children may be under the illusion that they know their parents best, and while they may notice things others don't, they still mainly see the parenting side, not the other sides of them. Children tend to weaponize the things that seem to "hit the mark" during arguments to get what they want, or make their parents feel as hurt as they do. I think criticism becomes cutting when used to make the other person feel inferior without providing ways to improve. Helpful criticism is the opposite, being genuine and giving your opinion with pointers on how the other person can do better.
ReplyDeleteWell this one hits home. There is nothing that breaks your spirit more than when your kiddo says something you already know at heart is true. When they see through all the barriers, and walls you put up for the outside world and see things for what they truly are - it can be both the best and worst you feel. It is hard not to quantify your responses to your kids as being in their best interest, or to explain away your less than perfect behaviors, or to try to explain that you are just human too, but when it comes down to it you know when you behaved in a way that could have been better. I was a strong critic of my parents for a large part of my life and those criticisms have lessened now that I am a parent myself - I can see how they probably were doing their best and that my expectations were unrealistic.
ReplyDeleteI agree that your children are your most cutting critics. They spend their entire lives around you, watching every little thing you do, so when they critique you, it cuts deep, because you know that it holds some truth to it. Additionally, most young children haven't developed a social filter yet, so they just say exactly what they're thinking. However, I don't think that their blunt criticism has any real malice behind it, I believe that it's really all about how you take it.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that a child is always a parent's worst critic. A child can occasionally give a harsh review, but this is typically learned by the adults around them. They hear things behind closed doors and then repeat them without the knowledge of what a filter is to prevent hurting feelings. They can also be easily amazed by originality and creativity that they have not yet learned to experiment with themselves, and thus learn from the people around them how to do so.
ReplyDeleteI think in this case, the narrator struggles with this reality that the children won't critique her writing based off personal opinion or ideas of their own, but in comparison to the father's stories instead, whom they have been conditioned to assume will always be better, no matter the subject.
I don't think of myself as my parent's most cutting critic, but instead as someone who can offer a fresh perspective to determine what may need to be changed or kept the same. I was raised to keep an open mind and always acknowledge that there is more than one way to do things, so while I may be a bit uneasy about some creative decisions, I will gladly praise those that I find worthy.
I think that criticism only gets cutting when a child stops trying to give advice and is only looking to tear down what they are assessing.
While our children may sometimes be the criticism that cuts the deepest they are also often the confidence and motivational source that resonates the deepest too. I think the dynamics of family judgment or criticism especially with children and their parents genuinely feels more emotionally heightened for good or bad. Either way you’re looking in this scenario there is a deep reflection.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think that children as a whole are criticizing you. Instead rather that we subconsciously believe that they are. I don’t think any of my siblings criticize my parents instead it’s a mutual respect, and if there is criticism it’s constructive and not cutting. Even if my parents sometimes perceive it as that way, the reason I think they do perceive it as cutting or disrespectful is because we’re so much younger than them and the idea that a child is telling them how to improve is demeaning to them.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the narrator that your children are your most cutting critics because children are usually always honest. So, they tell you whatever they think because they aren't really aware that what they say can hurt people's feelings, so they just say what comes to mind. I would say myself and my siblings are our parents most, "cutting critics" because we know them better than anyone and are around them a lot, so it is easier for us to criticize them or point out what they are doing wrong or have done wrong in the past. I do think children criticizing their parents is likely to be "cutting" because they know them best. It's easy to criticize our parents since we know them so well because we know when they can do better or when they're not doing what they should be. I think the relativity of criticism is what determines if it is helpful or cutting. If our parents are being criticized over things that they cannot help or they are constantly being criticized, then the criticism is not relevant to the child or to the parent's life and is therefore unhelpful and can be more cutting.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely agree with the notion that your most cutting critics are always your children. While most children do not necessarily mean to criticize their parents negatively, it is simply easier, as they have spent their whole lives with them and know what hits and what does not. Most of the time, I think they criticize their parents when they see a behavior as embarrassing or not right in their little minds. The difference between cutting criticism and constructive criticism is definite in the tone and the way it is expressed.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that children tend to be the most cutting critics of their parents. Not out of any deliberate hostility, necessarily, but because they know their parents best; they see all of their caretakers’ flaws because they’re the ones most impacted by them. Yet in the narrator’s case, I think she feels so hurt and betrayed by her children because of a deep-seated fear of rejection, or perhaps inadequacy. She specifically states that she is “afraid” to tell her kids her stories, which is an interesting emotion for a mother to have. She also holds back on sharing her sense of humor with those closest to her because she feels they won’t truly appreciate it. I’m interested to see how this fear presents itself later in the novel.
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