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| "I am its secret" (1993) by Shirin Neshat |
What do you think of the narrator's decision to keep the news of her cancer from Sam (83)? Do you agree that "the better part" of her is right that "this vulnerability isn't his business anymore" (83) and an "intimacy he no longer deserves" (84)?
Is this the best decision for her family?
Do friends deserve intimacies?
Do family members?
Does the father of your children still count as a "family member"?
The narrator’s decision to keep her cancer diagnosis from Sam was the right one. Some could argue that, for the sake of her family and even her physical well-being, it was not the best decision. She had to lie to her family about where she was during her surgery and tell them that she would not be able to pick up her four-year-old daughter for a month after the operation without explaining why. If she had told Sam and her children, they could have helped her avoid overexerting herself physically and provided emotional support during such a difficult time. However, I believe that keeping her diagnosis from her family allowed her to separate her identity from her role within the family. Toward the end of the book, her friend Darlene asks why she did not tell Sam. The narrator explains that she thinks cancer has “turned me into someone who can separate her life from her family’s and still survive.” As I mentioned in one of my previous responses, I believe the author gave the narrator these crises to show that she is not defined by her family. Facing this disease on her own helped her recognize her own strength rather than relying on the strength she received from Sam or her children. - Nina Benton
ReplyDeleteI believe the right decision was made by not telling Sam about the cancer. After the affair, Sam broke her trust, which is essential in a marriage, and in doing so, lost the privilege of sharing deeply personal moments. Close friendships are built on trust and provide a safe space to share deep and vulnerable experiences with someone that you trust. Furthermore, I do not think Sam should be classified as a family member anymore, but rather a co-parent.
ReplyDeleteI think not allowing herself to be vulnerable or intimate with Sam is undoubtedly the correct decision. However, I think being forthcoming about have breast cancer would have been a better decision. The stakes are high when it comes to something like having breast cancer and also having children. So, while I agree intimacy and vulnerability Sam no longer deserves I also think that there is a much bigger picture at play regarding the cancer.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, I believe that nobody is entitled to anything and those decisions come on a personal basis. In my opinion, I believe that she made the right decision hiding that she had breast cancer from Sam because through the affair, that was his way of leaving the personal intimacy that they once had. It is also likely best for her family to seperate the cancer from herself so that her children don't look at her any differently, at least for now.
ReplyDeleteI think it’s totally fair for the narrator to decide not to tell Sam and the kids about the cancer yet. They will definitely need to know at some point, but with the current split, it’s fair to focus on that instead of telling Sam about the cancer. When it comes to whether friends and family “deserve” to have personal medical knowledge, I think the only time it’s morally necessary is when it directly affects the person (such as telling family about genetic diseases so they can get tested). Although, you probably should tell your friends and close family regardless. If the narrator doesn’t tell them when it starts being more important in her and her family’s lives, it will be wrong on her part.
ReplyDeleteI do not agree with the narrator's decision to keep the news of her cancer from Sam at all. The “better part of her” was leading her entirely astray from the path of moral decency. Ex husband or not, he is still the father of her children. Cancer is such a hard thing for a person to deal with, and I can see why she may not have wanted to appear “weak” to Sam, but she made the wrong decision. Even though her personal life was no longer his business as it had been before, it is not right or appropriate to keep such life altering news from the person responsible for raising her children if she didn’t beat her cancer. . Though he is no longer her family member, Sam is the father to her children. He didn’t deserve any insight into her life, but this information didn’t only affect her, it affected her kids. She should have chosen to be vulnerable for the sake of her children. She chose secrecy and ultimately it could have led to complete disaster had her cancer rapidly advanced leading her to her grave.
ReplyDeleteIntimacy takes trust from both parties affected by the news. I believe it depends on the individual to decide who they trust enough to become intimate with. Instead of strictly dividing it into categories like “friends” and “family”, I think that a deeper thought process is necessary to determine who intimacy is vital with. Immediate family, trusted friends, and those who, like Sam, are extremely affected and need to know, should -in most cases- be the instant choices for intimacy.
Yea i agree after what he did and the disconnection between them he has no right to her personal life. Of which cancer is one of the most personal life altering things that can occur. When or if she decides to tell him is entirely up to the narrator and whether they decide that is what they want to do since they owe no obligation to them. Now as for whether or not it is good for the family is important. Cancer can affect some ones quality of life there time and lifespan drastically. In the case of her other family it may be difficult for them to help or interact with her without knowing of her situation. I personally think it will impact her family negatively without telling them of her condition. However that is still her decision her friends and family do not necessarily deserve such incredible intimacies which may be the exception of her children. Being friends with someone does entitle you to certain information in a way but not all information. Especially with information as delicate as a cancer diagnosis. As for family most likely they should know how close they are to you and the important support they can give you. That said it doesn't mean they deserve it as I believe no one truly deserves to know such intimate things about you. As for the last question, I believe no the father may still be a part of the children's family but if you are estranged that doesn't automatically make you a part of someone's family because family is more than just blood its who you choose to be.
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