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| "Lear and Cordelia" (1848) by Ford Madox Ford |
On page 4, the narrator claims that "Your most cutting critics are always your children" (4). Do you agree?
Would you characterize yourself or your siblings as your parents' "most cutting critics"?
Do you think a child's criticism of their parents is likely to be "cutting" because they know their parents best and are most likely to "hit the mark"? Or is it "cutting" because it seems ungenerous or ungrateful?
What determines when criticism is helpful and when it is cutting?
I would agree that your children are your biggest critics. They’re going to spend a lot of time around you as they grow up, and they’re going to develop lots of their own opinions as they do. The older they get, the more vocal they’ll likely be about them. I would agree that after spending years together, children know their parents best. Once children are adults of their own, they get to decide whether or not they want to act like their parents, so they’re definitely going to be critical. I think sometimes that can be kind of a hard thing to accept as a parent, so it makes it seem all the more “cutting”.
ReplyDeleteI find that it is most hurtful because parents often spend a lot of time thinking, planning, and executing with intent every little thing they do for their children, so when their children, fairly or otherwise, point out where they fell short, it makes it feel like a failure regardless.
ReplyDeleteI think that children are "cutting critics" however I believe that its less the because they know their parents so well and more that they don't have a filter. Children often say exactly what they are thinking without regard to how those words may affect someone else. Words have less emotional weight so they are more likely to point out something obvious even if it is critical.
ReplyDeleteWhether criticism is helpful or cutting depends on the person on the recieving end of it. Someone who is secure in themselves may take criticism as something to improve on while a person who is less secure may view the same criticism as a personal attack.
This comment is mine.
DeleteI fully agree with you when you say that children have no filter. I have three younger siblings, and they will not hesitate to comment on anything I do.
DeleteChildren are cutting critics; however, I feel that it is more due to the fact that children are brutally honest. I feel that children see their parents flaws more easily because they are the ones that are being raised with those flaws. A parent who doesn't know how to cook often hears it from their child first. Kids point things out; they are bold and observant.
ReplyDeleteThe way one perceives criticism depends almost entirely upon themselves. They can choose whether to accept the criticism and apply it, move on, or react. I find that cutting criticism often comes from those who are insecure about being called out, or those who thought that they had done the best work. I will say that helpful criticism comes from those who aren't arrogant and actually want to help instead of just pointing out flaws.
I do agree. I would definitely say my siblings and my parents are cutting critics, and it hurts more when they do critique me since they are family, so they know a lot about you, in some ways.
ReplyDeleteChildren don't critique people, especially family, in notorious ways most of the time. They say things because it's the truth, to them, and children are taught to tell the truth. It's only until it hurts are they taught to be mindful of the truth, or in this case, how they view or perceive something.
Criticism is helpful when you need it, even when you may not feel like you do, like with homework! It's good to be confident with your work, but sometimes it's good to listen to critique.
Now, when it is cutting is when it's said to be more of an attack rather than something that can be helpful. You can't work off of someone saying "that's wrong," but you can work off of someone saying "that's not right, but we can fix it with..."
Children can be plain rude and judgmental towards their parents, but I don't think they're their biggest critics, just more personal ones. The weight of their words depends on whether the parents take every little remark to heart. Some children are ungrateful, and their words can reflect that, but I would say that parents mostly view them as "cutting" because they haven't had raw criticism in a long time, especially from someone they care so much about. Children may be under the illusion that they know their parents best, and while they may notice things others don't, they still mainly see the parenting side, not the other sides of them. Children tend to weaponize the things that seem to "hit the mark" during arguments to get what they want, or make their parents feel as hurt as they do. I think criticism becomes cutting when used to make the other person feel inferior without providing ways to improve. Helpful criticism is the opposite, being genuine and giving your opinion with pointers on how the other person can do better.
ReplyDeleteWell this one hits home. There is nothing that breaks your spirit more than when your kiddo says something you already know at heart is true. When they see through all the barriers, and walls you put up for the outside world and see things for what they truly are - it can be both the best and worst you feel. It is hard not to quantify your responses to your kids as being in their best interest, or to explain away your less than perfect behaviors, or to try to explain that you are just human too, but when it comes down to it you know when you behaved in a way that could have been better. I was a strong critic of my parents for a large part of my life and those criticisms have lessened now that I am a parent myself - I can see how they probably were doing their best and that my expectations were unrealistic.
ReplyDeleteI agree that your children are your most cutting critics. They spend their entire lives around you, watching every little thing you do, so when they critique you, it cuts deep, because you know that it holds some truth to it. Additionally, most young children haven't developed a social filter yet, so they just say exactly what they're thinking. However, I don't think that their blunt criticism has any real malice behind it, I believe that it's really all about how you take it.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that a child is always a parent's worst critic. A child can occasionally give a harsh review, but this is typically learned by the adults around them. They hear things behind closed doors and then repeat them without the knowledge of what a filter is to prevent hurting feelings. They can also be easily amazed by originality and creativity that they have not yet learned to experiment with themselves, and thus learn from the people around them how to do so.
ReplyDeleteI think in this case, the narrator struggles with this reality that the children won't critique her writing based off personal opinion or ideas of their own, but in comparison to the father's stories instead, whom they have been conditioned to assume will always be better, no matter the subject.
I don't think of myself as my parent's most cutting critic, but instead as someone who can offer a fresh perspective to determine what may need to be changed or kept the same. I was raised to keep an open mind and always acknowledge that there is more than one way to do things, so while I may be a bit uneasy about some creative decisions, I will gladly praise those that I find worthy.
I think that criticism only gets cutting when a child stops trying to give advice and is only looking to tear down what they are assessing.
While our children may sometimes be the criticism that cuts the deepest they are also often the confidence and motivational source that resonates the deepest too. I think the dynamics of family judgment or criticism especially with children and their parents genuinely feels more emotionally heightened for good or bad. Either way you’re looking in this scenario there is a deep reflection.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think that children as a whole are criticizing you. Instead rather that we subconsciously believe that they are. I don’t think any of my siblings criticize my parents instead it’s a mutual respect, and if there is criticism it’s constructive and not cutting. Even if my parents sometimes perceive it as that way, the reason I think they do perceive it as cutting or disrespectful is because we’re so much younger than them and the idea that a child is telling them how to improve is demeaning to them.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the narrator that your children are your most cutting critics because children are usually always honest. So, they tell you whatever they think because they aren't really aware that what they say can hurt people's feelings, so they just say what comes to mind. I would say myself and my siblings are our parents most, "cutting critics" because we know them better than anyone and are around them a lot, so it is easier for us to criticize them or point out what they are doing wrong or have done wrong in the past. I do think children criticizing their parents is likely to be "cutting" because they know them best. It's easy to criticize our parents since we know them so well because we know when they can do better or when they're not doing what they should be. I think the relativity of criticism is what determines if it is helpful or cutting. If our parents are being criticized over things that they cannot help or they are constantly being criticized, then the criticism is not relevant to the child or to the parent's life and is therefore unhelpful and can be more cutting.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely agree with the notion that your most cutting critics are always your children. While most children do not necessarily mean to criticize their parents negatively, it is simply easier, as they have spent their whole lives with them and know what hits and what does not. Most of the time, I think they criticize their parents when they see a behavior as embarrassing or not right in their little minds. The difference between cutting criticism and constructive criticism is definite in the tone and the way it is expressed.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that children tend to be the most cutting critics of their parents. Not out of any deliberate hostility, necessarily, but because they know their parents best; they see all of their caretakers’ flaws because they’re the ones most impacted by them. Yet in the narrator’s case, I think she feels so hurt and betrayed by her children because of a deep-seated fear of rejection, or perhaps inadequacy. She specifically states that she is “afraid” to tell her kids her stories, which is an interesting emotion for a mother to have. She also holds back on sharing her sense of humor with those closest to her because she feels they won’t truly appreciate it. I’m interested to see how this fear presents itself later in the novel.
ReplyDeleteChildren can be harsh critics of their parents but simply it is because they are at a point in their life where they do not completely understand everything surrounding them. They don't understand complex feelings, relationships, financial situations, and especially a power dynamic between themselves and their parents. Parents must obviously understand that and not take as much of their critique to heart simply because their critique does not have much basis behind any of it.
ReplyDeleteI would agree that your children can be one of your most "cutting critics," as they typically have not developed a full understanding of the effect that words can have. Most children are very honest in what they are thinking or feeling about you, someone else, or a situation. I think that as a young kid I was definitely one of Mom's most "cutting critics", but as I have gotten older, I would consider myself to be her biggest supporter rather than a critic, as I now know that even what I had thought was wrong as a kid is something I have learned to consider because they are also learning and growing with me, too.
ReplyDeleteCriticism can come from various aspects of life. It could be someone personal or from a superficial source. Children are blunt with their opinions so their comments come off as sharp and critical. As people grow and socialize more, they learn to keep things to themselves.
ReplyDeleteFor most people, I would say that their children are able to become their most cutting critic. They usually have the most amount of information about them and access to convey the criticism itself. Just like the author lays out in the text where her children prefer their father's storytelling than hers. They can do that only by experiencing both of theirs storytelling. However, it gets more complex when one's children still become their most cutting critic because they do not have access or information about their parents because of the expectation of it. Children may criticize their parents because they may have been distant where when they look around and see other people's parents being close with their children.
All of these point to the fact that, a parent-children relationship is very unique where expectations, information and access to one another clash so that they all become each other's biggest critic.
Most parents like to teach their children "honesty is the best policy". This is way they are so blunt. By telling the truth, even if it hurts someone else's feelings, kids believe they are doing the right thing. I am not my parents' most cutting critics; my sister is. I know she is very grateful for what my parents do and provide. Because of that personal connection, criticism cuts harder. I think cutting criticism is characterized by harsher language. Helpful criticism is often given in a positive manner.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that children can be very blunt critics. I wouldn’t exactly say that I am my parents’ biggest critic, however, I do believe there was a time that I was in competition though. I think criticism from children mainly comes from their innocence. They don’t really think about how their words could affect someone like an adult would. I do think that hearing your child criticize you to any degree as a parent would have a unique effect on you but I have not experienced that. I believe there is a fine line between harmful and helpful criticism. The majority of the time the effect of your criticism is not dependent on what you criticize, but how you criticize it. If someone cooked food that was too salty it would be much better to say “hey I think you put a little too much salt on this” rather than just saying “hey this tastes bad.”
ReplyDeleteI do think children are the parents' biggest critic, but I do look at the topic from this perspective. I feel the children are just trying to express how they feel, rather than intentionally criticizing their parents. When this happens, it usually comes across as being a critic. Children grow up looking up to their parents' words and actions. Therefore, they know a ton about how the mom or dad needs to act or respond. So, considering the term “cutting” I believe the child is just hitting the mark and responding with logic the adult may not want to hear.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that children are their parents' most cutting critics. I would characterize both myself and my brother as our parents' biggest critics. I think a child’s criticism is “cutting” because they know their parents best and have this picture of them in their mind as someone who is supposed to be perfect. However, I do not believe this criticism always stems from ill intent. Children usually don't intend to be hurtful, but they simply speak what they see or believe to be true in the moment. Criticism can be helpful when the intent behind it is genuine and the person, or the parent in this case, is open to feedback. Criticism is cutting when it is being given to be intentionally hurtful or when it points out something that cannot be improved.
ReplyDeleteI agree because children can be brutally honest and they often don't have much of a filter on what they say. If something bothers them, they usually express how they feel about it. I don't personally think of myself or my siblings as out parents "most cutting critics", but when my mom says something that is true and it's something that I don't want to hear it usually hurts the most, and I think the same is true in reverse. When you love someone, their words carry more weight, and you let your guard down around them. I think children's criticism can be especially cutting because parents put so much effort into caring and raising their children, so hearing criticism from someone they love and raised can sting. I think the thing that determines whether criticism is helpful or cutting is the intentions behind it. If it's given out of anger, it's more likely to be cutting rather than helpful.
ReplyDeleteI think criticism from children about their parents can be "cutting" in a "hit the mark" type of way. Children are brutal. Their honesty is not what everyone wants to hear. They are still young enough to not know how much their words mean and how it will affect their parents. Perhaps when I was younger, but I would not characterize myself or my sister as my parents biggest critics. I know my parents and I know what they go through and what they expect of themselves. There is no place for my criticism when I myself am an imperfect person. However, I do consider my parents MY biggest critics. The sounds toxic in a way, but I appreciate it so much and don't view it in that way. They keep me from looking out of line and help me put my best foot forward which is something I value.
ReplyDeleteI believe that children's criticism can be seen as "cutting" because as I stated in my comment on "Betrayal?", children are not emotionally mature enough to recognize how their tone and words can affect someone. They are generally taught "always be honest", but they may not be at the age where they can successfully mesh honesty and compassion or tact. Without tact, any criticism, whether meant to be or not, can be cutting and taken as someone trying to hurt the person, but some people are genuinely tone deaf, or like most children, haven't learned how to use tone correctly yet to avoid that.
ReplyDeleteI think children can be seen as a parent's most cutting critics because they say anything that comes to their mind. However, I do not think children often mean the “critiques” negatively. An example I have seen is a child telling their mother that they love her “big squishy tummy.” The child truly loves their mother and her squishiness, but it can be seen as an insult. Young children, especially at the age of the narrator in Maggie, often do not see flaws in their parents at all. To children, parents tend to be the most amazing, perfect people. I think children being considered cutting critics is because they have not yet been taught what society likes or dislikes about people. They also may not fully understand that what they say can or might hurt someone's feelings. As children get older, they may become more critical of their parents, but it is a much more complicated discussion. Complaints from older children might be out of a place of improvement, but many kids occasionally act ungrateful.
ReplyDeleteI think children being seen as "cutting critics," can get a bit nuanced based on intentionality. A young child doesn't mean to inflict pain when they point out a flaw. Most of them are blissfully unaware of hurtful versus not-hurtful. They just live and do and say whatever pops into their head at any given time, making their criticism sting in a way that feels ungrateful or ungenerous when they won't eat the "nasty spaghetti." However, as a child ages, the tide may shift. As a former teenage girl, I know what it's like to be your mother's most "cutting critic." You spend your whole life learning how to behave from your parents, then one random day you want to be nothing like them. You want them to park around the block so your friends don't see them after school, you want to make sure your mom isn't videoing or wearing that shirt to the ballgame. Older kids know how to "hit the mark," and make it sting. I don't think criticism from one's children really becomes constructive until they've reached a certain stage of maturity. When criticism stops coming from a place of unawareness or a place of embarrassment or disdain, then it is finally helpful.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that your own children can be “your most cutting critics” at times. I would say yes to myself or my siblings being our parents’ very harsh critics. I like to think I am very critical of my own mother because she has always been so critical to me when I was growing up, like being critical over my weight for example even though I was a normal and healthy weight for my age. I believe my older sister to be as critical as she is because she takes after our mother and is not afraid to throw harsh criticisms at anybody, including our parents. My little brother is an exception to being a critic of our parents. Afterall, I would find it hard to criticize somebody who hands me anything and everything I could wish for. I believe when children are in their younger years, five to nine years of age, their criticism can be cutting because they do know their parents, but they do not know the tone they may say it in or how it could be interpreted. When I was younger, my parents weighed themselves and my mother said she weighed less than my father. I shared my fun fact I learned of “muscle weighs more than fat” and my father started laughing while my mother took insult to that and still brings it up to this day. Some children, in their teen years, can mean it to be harmful though because they may feel harmed by comments from their own parents for example. I believe it is as simple as criticism can be helpful when it is constructive and it can be cutting when it is harmful or not necessary to say. -Zeeva Skidmore-Beaney
ReplyDeleteChildren are absolutely your biggest critics. As a child myself, I can attest that I have judged my parents and critiqued them unfairly many times. Me and my sister go back and forth poking fun at our parents I don't know how they put up with us, truly. I also feel that the main reason criticism may seem "cutting" is because your children typically know the most about you, so their critiques are often true and cut at insecurities or habits that hurt the most to be analyzed. There are also times where the criticism is unfair and simply rude. In the nature of critique though, there's nothing that determines if it's fair or "cutting". It's more in the eyes of the beholder, and that's beautiful, but also makes life much more complicated when trying to decide what criticism to listen to. Listen to your heart and what you know about yourself to figure out what criticism is fair and which ones are unhelpful and leave the unhelpful ones behind.
ReplyDeleteThe quote “Your most cutting critics are always your children” can be found on page four. I truthfully believe this quote is more often accurate than not. My mom would definitely say that I am her “most cutting critic” in comparison to my seventh grade brother and my second grade sister. I don’t believe I am critical, but compared to them, I’m the only option. I think a child’s criticism of their parents is likely to be “cutting” because they want for their parents to be the very best versions of themselves. Children see their parents in all sorts of moods, situations, and phases, therefore their “cutting” feels more personal and true. I don’t think children should criticize their parents, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I believe it truly depends on the person what criticism is helpful or cutting. What some people find as helpful and non-offensive others may see as harmful and harsh.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that your children can be your most cutting critics. I would also say that my siblings and I can be considered our parents’ most cutting critics. Even when we aren't intentionally trying to hurt them, I think our opinions tend to matter more to our parents than the opinion of a stranger would. Because of that, our words can hurt more and hit closer to the heart.
ReplyDeleteI think children can also be especially good at “hitting the mark” because they know their parents so well. They know their personalities, their habits, and sometimes even their insecurities. This doesn't necessarily mean that their criticism is meant to be hurtful, but it can still have a stronger effect because it is coming from someone they love and care about.
I think criticism is helpful when it is meant to help someone grow and is given with some understanding. It becomes cutting when it is meant to hurt, or when someone focuses only on a person's flaws without considering their feelings. Sometimes even criticism that isn't meant to be hurtful can still be cutting, especially when it comes from someone whose opinion matters a lot.
I would consider me and my sister our parents' "most cutting critics." We definitely do not hold back about our feelings about our parents' decisions. While there are times that we are unnecessarily mean to our parents, we also know them better than anyone and that is why I would consider us "cutting," because we know them. I think the criticism can be "cutting" in different ways depending on the situation. There are times parents are in the wrong and children know their parents and can offer an outside view that is also very aware of the people involved. I also feel like there are times when children criticize their parents just because their parents' decision is something that negatively impacts them. Like if a parent were punishing a kid for doing something bad, the kid would see that as unnecessary because they are being punished. I think criticism can be cutting when you start using unnecessary examples or are being too harsh. You can also be cutting when you forget that your parents are people just like you and have experiences that influence the decisions that they make.
ReplyDeleteI agree that children can be a parent’s most cutting critics, just because the children have been around them for so long that they know them best. They know all of their habits, from what they do, how they typically talk, how they act, and how they speak. These children are around long enough to know just about everything, and not only that, but kids themselves tend to be very unhinged, and say just about anything without really understanding how their words come out to sound. It’s not necessarily that they can be ungrateful for what they have, though in some cases it could be, but it could just be that they’re just so used to what is going on and it commenting about it. Maybe a little too bluntly.
ReplyDeleteI agree that children can be a parent’s most cutting critics, just because the children have been around them for so long that they know them best. They know all of their habits, from what they do, how they typically talk, how they act, and how they speak. These children are around long enough to know just about everything, and not only that, but kids themselves tend to be very unhinged, and say just about anything without really understanding how their words come out to sound. It’s not necessarily that they can be ungrateful for what they have, though in some cases it could be, but it could just be that they’re just so used to what is going on and it commenting about it. Maybe a little too bluntly. (I’m writing this again because I forgot to put my name.)
ReplyDeleteI do tend to agree with the comments that children can be your worst critics. They know you well since you are the first people you know. Typically the ones you know longest are the ones you know best but on a deeper level. You might not know their favorite color or smell, but you know their flaws, their personalities, and their fears.
ReplyDeleteI don't characterize myself or my siblings as our mother's most cutting critic, but we are our father's. Our mother took care of us and loved us through our worst times. Our father, however, but us through hell day in and day out. Our criticism is justified.
I think the criticism is most likely to hit the mark. In some cases it might seem ungrateful, but I think it's truly because they know you so well.
What determines when criticism is helpful and when it is cutting?