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| "Forget it! Forget me!" (1962) by Roy Lichtenstein |
On page 62, the narrator suggests that she and Sam had different love languages. While he easily expressed words of affection and always said "I love you" first, the love language that was her "native tongue" was acts of service as, for example, when she "spent . . . twenty minutes thoroughly cleaning his Brita pither with Q-tips" (62).
Here are the five "love languages" theorized by counselor/minister Gary Chapman in 1995:
- Words of affirmation (compliments, encouragement)
- Acts of service (doing helpful things)
- Receiving gifts (thoughtful presents)
- Quality time (undivided attention)
- Physical touch (hugs, holding hands, etc.)
Do you think it is more important to make an effort to communicate your love for someone based on their natural "love language" preferences or is it more important for people to learn to appreciate the "love languages" that are most comfortable for the person who is expressing their love (a.k.a. their "native tongue")? Or is it more important to find a partner who expresses their love in a way that you value?
Is it on Sam to appreciate his wife's way of expressing her love? Is it on the narrator to learn to express her feelings more readily? Or are they a fundamental mismatch because of this important difference between them?
Do you find that you the way you express your love and the kind of love you like to receive are the same?
I think the question of whether people should find a naturally compatible partner ultimately comes down to the role of commitment. At the end of the day, I believe commitment is more important than compatibility. In this scenario, since both Sam and the narrator made a commitment to love each other through marriage, they should be willing to adapt their ways to make sure they both feel loved. That includes both learning how each partner feels loved and recognizing their own "native tongue". However, this responsibility goes both ways, and I think the best way to navigate that is just pure transparency and communication.
ReplyDeleteFor that reason, I think Sam and the narrator's dynamic should hold both of them responsible. Regardless of how they might feel or think in the present time, they made a commitment to each other and I personally believe they should strive to overcome that hurdle through mutual effort. This requires actively choosing to understand and grow together rather than expecting the other person to change alone.
Noah, you stated that you prioritize that you think commitment is more important than compatibility, I’ve never heard someone say this when talking about relationships but I completely agree. No two people can be completely compatible. There will always be something that they disagree on or something that one does that annoys the other, but despite this they can choose to commit to each other.
DeleteSimilarly to Landy, I have to agree that I never seem to hear anyone express the sentiment that commitment is above compatibility. A lot of people seem to focus more on trying to find someone that is either exactly like them or fits their dream partner standards (which, is a frivolous idea anyway. no one can ever be "perfect", at least to me. The concept of perfection is something I believe to be an inhuman concept!) If anything, I believe it's important to find someone who has qualities or interests that one might not share or like. A flawed person is human, as someone who is flawless cannot be human at all!
DeleteI think you’re right about commitment over compatibility – but I do also think that are some cases where some people are very, very incompatible. Whether in love languages, or in things as large as religion, kids, and marriage. Like trying to put oil and water together. In those cases, I’d argue for a baseline level of compatibility (although finding this line seems to be a thing of intuition). For the narrator and Sam, some of the things that hurt this compatibility were not only the love languages, but also economic class and cultural differences. Regardless of this critique though, I do agree that most of the time commitment is needed over seeking perfect compatibility. Soulmates made in fire and flames rather than preordained from the beginning of the world.
DeleteNo two people are 100% compatible. It is simply common sense. In love, I believe that there are absolutely compromises that must be met. Love languages are very important to how each person percieves love in their own special way and it is up to the other to learn their love language. Not simply because they love them but also so they can know how to love them the way they naturally want to be loved.
ReplyDeleteLooking for a partner who already caters to your love language could be a good thing, but who you fall in love with and want to share a life with does not always guarantee that, so in my opinion, learning to appreciate each other's love languages while also working to express the other person's more valued love language without feeling like each person has to change the things they naturally already do for those they love is something that can very much be accomplished to form a shared love, regardless of how different they are.
ReplyDeleteI think that people should use their partners love language, for example I like quality time as opposed to gifts so I will be happier if they spent the day with me as opposed to them spending money on something u may not use. I also think it should be reciprocated so I will use their method of love language to show I care.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is important to love someone in their and your language. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. In my current relationship, I express and feel love through acts of service and physical touch. These love languages happened to be the things that make my partner feel loved, so it worked out. His way of showing love is through quality time. It took time to learn and see his way of showing love, and it took a lot of communication. I think it is on Sam to appreciate his wife’s way of showing love, but I also think that if he does not feel that way, he should talk to her about it.
ReplyDeleteI learned about the 5 Love Languages when I was young, so they have always been a topic of interest to me. I believe that everyone has a combination of Love Languages, and that learning your partner's Love Languages is extremely important. Most people have one Love Language for receiving love, and another for reciprocating love. For example, my receiving Love Languages is are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, however, when I reciprocate love, I tend to lean more towards Gift Giving and Acts of Service. Whereas, my husband's reciprocating love language is just "acts of annoyance!" :D and his receiving Love Language is quality time. If you don't know your partner's Love Languages, then you more than likely won't be able to either show them that you love them, or see that they love you. If I were to always give my husband gifts, but never spend time with him, he would not believe that I love him like I say I do. He would think I was just trying to buy his affection, and on the flip side, if he never touched me or gave me compliments, I would feel that he didn't really love me and was just with me out of convenience. However, we have both talked about our different love languages and we both have learned how to recognize when the other is trying to show love even if its not through our preferred Love Languages.
ReplyDeleteI believe that in a relationship, especially marriage, it is paramount that both parties learn to express their love in a way their partner can better understand, but also it is the job of the partner to understand the love that comes from the other's "native tongue." Using myself as an example, my main love language is physical touch and, for this example, let's say I married someone who's main love language is gifts. It would be my job to understand how my partner shows their love as well as give my love in a way that they would understand, but the same is also true for the other party. It would be my partner's job to understand how I best receive love and understand how I give love. It is on Sam to understand how his wife shows her love to him, and I think that he failed her in this regard. It is clear through the text, specifically the scene of the narrator cleaning Sam's water filter, that her main love language is acts of service. If Sam does not understand that, then he cannot fully appreciate that the narrator cleaning his water filter for him is a sign of her love for him. I don't believe that they are a fundamental mismatch because of this difference in love language, it is more than possible for a couple that has different love languages to have a long and prosperous relationship, but I do think Sam was not putting the same effort into the relationship that the narrator was, which could be a reason why it ended up falling apart. I find that the ways I express and receive love are the same. My two main love languages for both giving and receiving are physical touch and quality time. When I want to show someone that I appreciate them, I am likely to hug them and want to spend time with that person.
ReplyDeleteEvery person is unique and their uniqueness should be valued and appreciated! Still, it's important for both parties to learn to express their love in a way that their partner can understand and comprehend... speaking from experience too.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's on either one of them. We don't really get much backstory of them or maybe if they talked more in depth about this sort of thing and vice versa... But I do think Sam was definitely in the wrong for not expressing that he was falling out of love with the narrator, because now he's mostly done more harm than healing.
The love I express is very much a mix and match of most love languages; it honestly depends on the person... But the love I usually like to receive is almost the same as what I give, sure.
I completely agree with you. If you truly love the person you are with, you learn to express your feelings in ways that they understand and appreciate. This is a part of communication.
DeleteI think it’s good to practice both. One should recognize and appreciate their partner’s natural love language and perform acts of love in that language while also still performing acts of love through their own love language. Both parties should learn to adapt and accept each other in this way, keeping it balanced would honestly be the best case scenario. I do believe that you shouldn’t consider love languages unless there’s a specific type you hate. For example, physical touch is a severe distressor for some, so it’s probably better not to go seeking someone who loves to have contact all the time!
ReplyDeletePersonally, as stated above, I believe they both hold a responsibility in some form to appreciate and express their needs / feelings. If opposite love languages were a deal breaker for Sam, he should’ve mentioned it long ago, or better yet, communicated what he needed and asked for the narrator to give him that. The narrator could’ve also expressed her feelings better, communicating with him how she felt and what she needed and wanted.
To be honest, I don’t really know. I tend to express a mix of all of the love languages and I’m between acts of service and quality time. If I had to pick a love I’d prefer to receive it would either be quality time or words of affirmation. So, there’s a chance it could be the same, yet also not!
In this situation I understand why the narrator feels this way, it can be upsetting for your partner to not understand how you feel and not appreciate how you show your affection. But in a relationship it is very important to understand and make an effort to show them you love them in a way they can receive it, even if it is not natural for you. I think there should be a balance between expressing in a way that’s you and a way that you know will get the point across. If there is a big difference in love languages between partners, I think it can work as long as there is communication and effort between both parties though it may be difficult to maintain.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I think that most of the time people tend to appreciate all forms of love languages just to different degrees, so to me as long as I can tell that there is genuine love and respect with those actions I’m happy.
-Eleanor Autrey
DeleteThere is no way to get a hundred percent perfect match. I believe love is about sacrificing things for each other. I think that there should be a common balance. Although she represents her love through of acts to service to Sam he may not be able to receive the way she wants him to. If Sam couldn't understand that this was the way she showed love he should have asked, or communicated to her that he feels more loved with compliments and telling him that she loves him. If they would have talked about she could have tried to put in an effort in that way. I think Sam should have tried to ask how she showed love though and should have told her that he was falling out of love for her.
ReplyDeleteI believe that sometimes with love there has to be sacrifices. With me and my partner his love language is physical touch. I normally feel uncomfortable with physical touch especially in public. We discovered happy medium where he can show his love for me. I think the moral of the situation is truly understanding each other and discovering how to make the other people feel loved.
In relationships, I think it is important that people understand their significant other’s love language, and for their significant other to understand their own. Sam did not understand the narrator’s language of love, and thus did not fully comprehend her affection. But I don’t necessarily think that means he should change how he expresses love. But I do think he should come to understand how she does. One person can love books more than movies, but if they are in a relationship with someone who loves movies, it’d probably be better to understand that love. One of the best parts of loving is learning of our beloved. We ourselves need not change, but our understanding may.
ReplyDeleteI think that when you truly love somebody then you will do everything you can to show that even if that means expressing it in ways you’re not used to. I think in any relationship whether its romantic or platonic it’s important to take note of the other persons love language and try to practice it to the best of your abilities. I also think that it’s important to understand that not everyone is going to abide by your own love language and that’s okay. It is important for people to learn to appreciate the different ways to express love even if that’s not your preferred way. Overall, I think in any relationship if you notice a lack of love then you should communicate that with the other person and explain what they could do better to show that they care. I don’t necessarily think that people must find partners that have the same love language as them however it can be helpful and make expression of love easier. It think that Sam should appreciate the narrator’s way of expressing love, but I also think that the narrator needs to try and express her love in ways Sam will understand better. Since this seems to be a problem in their relationship, I think it would be best for them to talk about it instead of just ignoring it. Overall, both characters have things they need to improve on.
ReplyDeleteI believe it’s less about expression and more about understanding and gratitude. It is vital, in any healthy relationship, to express both yours and your parents' love languages. Not only does a healthy relationship require expression but also the intentionality of noticing what your partner is expressing. When the narrator cleaned the Brita, she was expressing love in her most familiar way. While Sam’s love language isn’t the same, noticing she expressed her love in her own way would’ve been much more gratifying and affirming. No two people express love entirely in the same way. Waiting for someone who is your exact match is a waste of time when you could be learning how to express your love in a new way. Love and effort must be reciprocated, regardless of love languages. Putting in thought and effort to match their love language is part of that.
ReplyDeleteThe idea that, in order to have a loving relationship with another person, that they have to love the same way you do, is vain, in my opinion. No two people will ever love in the exact same way. Differences are absolutely acceptable in relationships and should be celebrated. Being in a relationship requires adaptability and compromise, you are two people, after all, but one unit. In the text, Sam is not receptive to the narrator’s way of loving. He feels that he cannot determine what she is feeling, and feels insulted that she does not typically say “I love you” first. While his grievances are absolutely valid in that, it’s a feeling, he does not consider the meticulous things– acts of service– that the narrator has done for him, like the intricate cleaning of his water filter with q-tips. Compromise and adaptation in relationships are not one-sided. That being said, the narrator didn’t try to communicate her love in a way that Sam would be receptive to. The question of whether it’s more important to consider the love language of the recipient of any affection or the love language of the partner giving that affection completely ignores the dual responsibility of adapting to your partner and finding suitable ways to deliver affection in which both parties feel loved and appreciated.
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