The narrator poses a series of questions that are the kind she has come across in "stupid online quizzes" that deal with the general question of "what lies you're willing to tell," such as "will you be the type of parent who tells lies about Santa Claus? The tooth fairy? The birds and the bees and death?" (43).
Later, when she tells her son a lie about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, she insists that she "wanted to put the least possible number of lies into the atmosphere of our home, like they were exhaust fumes that would be bad to breathe in, that could stunt growth" (46).
Do you think adults tend to hide too much of the truth from children or do they expose them too early to truths they are not yet ready to confront?
When is it ok to hide truths from a loved one if you know that their emotional reaction might be both negative and inappropriate?
How important do you think it is to tell stories without exaggeration?
I honestly prefer to just tell kids the truth, albeit through more subtle and indirect means according to their age. While you don't want to scare or confuse a child with a subject that could even traumatize them if presented poorly, I often find that outright lying about it is just as unhelpful and problematic. If they take you literally and you never take the time to correct the record later on, they may end up believing what you told them first for a long time, which can definitely hinder their maturity and knowledge of the world. It's better to be honest, whether that be telling the truth however you can then and there, or simply being straight and saying you don't think they are ready to be able to understand it yet. Those are the only two ways to avoid the most potential problems that lying or poor framing can cause.
ReplyDeleteI believe that it all depends on what the lie or truth is about. Something as simple as Santa Claus doesn't make a real difference in the child's childhood whether you lie to them or tell the truth. However, when your kid asks a question about something that may be a little more serious, like a death of someone they knew for example, I think its better to tell a slightly watered down truth so they are not scared, but so they also understand what happened so they aren't confused.
ReplyDeleteI agree there are some things that do not harm a child to lie to them about, like the wonder of Santa Claus, but other more serious things that may affect the child long term should be talked about in a gentler way. Explaining things to children instead of hiding them will help them process harder and heavier truths in the long run.
DeleteAdults who tell stories of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are enhancing wonder, through lies yes but a childhood without wonder is a childhood that feels a lot more like living your entire life in middle age. However, the parents who hide life from the child are the ones who often refuse to let their child grow up, that is when lying becomes too much and stunts the child. An example, lying about death. A fish, a hamster, a loved one. Death should never be hidden from anyone, as it is a part of life. That goes for those whose reactions might be extreme or inappropriate.
ReplyDeleteStories are often exaggerated; they are stories often fiction and for entertainment. It's the tales of our lives that we should not exaggerate. Real life already feels fictional enough, tell it how it is.
I loved how you explained this! Life is fictional enough. Kids and adults both need to understand how real life can be is, even if it is painful. Wonder needs to be controlled. Enough of it to let the kids experience imagination and fun. Not too much wonder though that leads to the kids making excuses for real life situations.
DeleteI think that adults tend to hide too much of the truth from children as they believe that they are either not ready to hear it or simply too young. I was very sheltered as a child, so I know the feeling well of not knowing something that your parents obviously do and are hiding from you. While I do think it is ok to hide some things from loved ones when it is to protect them from unnecessary ugly truths, I also believe that keeping too much hidden can leave the child much too innocent for the world. With too much innocents in adulthood it is quite easy to be seen as ignorant, and that could lead to being taken advantage of by others.
ReplyDeleteThis is how I feel on the subject as well. I was sheltered as well for some things, but for others my parents were completely honest for exactly the reasons you stated. Especially how it can leave a child to be taken advantage of without knowing.
DeleteI believe adults sometimes withhold the truth from children because they fear they are not mentally prepared to receive certain information. Topics such as a death in the family, absent family members, or marital problems may need to be sugarcoated to protect a child from experiencing emotional distress. However, there should still be some truth within the stories adults tell children, because completely hiding the truth can cause children to discover it on their own.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would say they do. They do this because they believe that it's either tradition to tell children fantasy and then let them figure it out themselves that they're false, but that often makes their children feel doubtful, or second guess things, because they were taught that things that may seem real or too good may not be true.
ReplyDeleteI would say that it's not really ever good to lie, but maybe that's just how I was raised. I personally believe that you have to say the truth. There's ways of saying things nicely, especially if it's about darker, more mature topics that some people are still learning to be comfortable with, and that's okay! You just have to give them time and space, and definitely understand that their reactions might be negative and inappropriate, but you remember or remind them that you'll be there with them, or that you're there for them.
I think it's good to tell stories as they are, because exaggerations can lead to misunderstanding which can also lead to you being seen as a liar or someone that distorts and twists the narrative.
Lies about childhood wonder is fine. I find great joy when I see my younger siblings get excited about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. However, adults tend to lie about other things. I understand that it comes from a place of love. One cannot fully gauge how a person will react to certain truths, and it is not up to us to determine whether a person can candle the truth. I feel that is something that the person receiving the information will react however they may please. When it comes to children, giving them a watered-down version of the truth is the way to go, but I do not fully agree with this. Occasionally, harsh truths get too watered-down and the child believes something that is not accurate and ends up going through the mental challenge of processing the information all over again. Exaggeration has its place in literature. It should not have a place in truth.
ReplyDelete*can handle the truth.
DeletePeople do lie a lot. I recently had a conversation with someone about how I would rather have a friend hide something they did that could ruin our friendship and continue being friends, rather than have them tell me and leave me heartbroken. With that being said, hiding the truth Is sometimes the better option.
ReplyDeleteIn the case of the narrator telling her children about Santa, I think it can be a good thing to help children develop an imagination. However when they start catching on and questioning whether Santa is real, parents should be honest rather than force their kids to believe something they know isn't true.
In many cases, it is not okay to lie about many truths to a loved one. In my example, my parents lied to me about how serious my brother's fourwheeler accident was so that I would not overreact when I went to visit in the hospital or when I called from home asking how he was so that I did not freak out whomever I was staying with at the time.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, I was told bits of certain truths very early, so I could begin to accept them as truths from a young age. Treating children as if they are incapable of understanding hard truths will make them believe it themselves. Giving them small, basic understandings of necessary truths will ensure they will be able to handle the full truth as they grow and mature. Lies such as Santa or the Tooth Fairy are different because they are told in hopes of creating an enjoyable childhood, as opposed to simply withholding the facts. It is acceptable to lie with the expectation of a negative reaction when in public, on an important day, etc. When the ramifications of telling the truth outweigh the setting/timing, postponing the explanation is okay. Lying to prevent an uncomfortable situation is not okay. I think exaggerating stories of real people/events is unnecessary and unethical. Most often, people exaggerate to make their audience feel the same emotions they did. Lying in this way has no benefit besides an understanding that would be accomplished with a simple explanation.
ReplyDeleteSorry this was me :)
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