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| "American Gothic" (1930) by Grant Wood |
In this chapter, Soni describes how he fell in love with Tuyet, married her, and subsequently separated from her. Soni tells Rajan that his parents didn't play a role in his relationship with Tuyet. Soni's family life is so different from Rajan is familiar with that Rajan wonders aloud, "Are you actually an Indian?" (200).
Soni's therapist reassures Soni that she believes both that his love for Tuyet was real and that it was morally acceptable for him to leave his wife. He owed Tuyet the truth, but he wasn't compelled to stay in a marriage with her.
Do you think "true love" is always forever? If a marriage breaks up, does that mean that the love wasn't "true"? To what extent are relationships built on feelings (which can come and go, strengthen and fade) and to what extent are they built on sustained effort and commiment? And to what extent does effort and commitment affect feelings?
Consider the people you know: how common is it for parents to play an important role in sustaining and supporting their children's marriages? Do you think more American marriages would last if the role of parents were greater?
Answer these questions (the ones you choose) after you've read part four, chapter seven and the preceding chapters.
Our ability to love is one of the greatest hallmarks of humanity. From Shakespeare, to Cleopatra, all the way to Jane Austen, historical and fictitious stories of love pervade all of history. One result of this is that each culture and society has its own ideas surrounding love and its purpose. One of these conceptions is the idea of “true love” and its unwavering persistence and strength. Many people in our society believe that there exists a constant and everpersisting love for a person that is unlocked once they meet them. And once this love is unlocked, nothing stop them from feeling any other way about them. Although there are some elements of this notion I agree with, I would argue this current model of love is faulty and counteracts the nature of human emotion.
ReplyDeleteNaturally, as humans, we experience a wide range of emotions throughout our lives, varying in intensity and regularity. Despite this, there lies a common characteristic between every emotion in that every emotion fluctuates over time. Additionally, one might feel more than one at once. Love is also an emotion; that means that despite loving someone, it is nothing short of human to feel other emotions towards them as well at times or to even feel a different emotion toward them over time. That means you can love someone very strongly but eventually fade out of love (and even fade back in). This does not mean that love was not true, your emotions simply changed. Because of this constant fluctuation, it is important for people in a relationship to understand that one must not treat love only as its primitive and simple form of emotion. Although I still agree that love is an emotion, it is also something else. If one chooses, it can evolve into an action and a choice — a choice to continuously love someone despite their emotions fluctuating from day to day, week to week, or month to month. One could argue, then, that this everlasting commitment is true love.
For the people I know, none of them have parents that play direct roles in supporting their children's marriages. I think that although it depends on the couple this is overall a good thing. A lot of parents would cause even more problems in relationships. There is a reason that you need a license to do couples counseling.
I believe "true love" has the potential to last forever, but that does not mean it will. Our love for things evolves just as much as we do in every other aspect of our lives. Like how our tastebuds evolve every seven years, we might like or dislike different things in time. But I don't want to compare love to something as concrete as that. Love is not simply the brain function of infatuation or admiration, though these are included, but has the possibility of being more spiritual and metaphysical. There are stages of love, and I think that true love could possibly be the last stage where the bond becomes unbreakable, even if those people are now apart. They will always remember each other. In a case of a breakup, marriage before that time was a part of those two people's lives. It is a past experience to build a future on, to learn from. Whether good or bad memories, those lessons could hardly be forgotten in a case of true love.
ReplyDeleteToday, I think it is harder for American parents to have an explicit role in their child's marriage. There is definitely influence for some people, but arranged marriages are very rare here I feel. I think the biggest role American parents play in their children's marriages is the examples they have set in the child's life. Did they get along, spend time as a family, spend time with extended family, argue in front of the kids, divorce, communicate? I think it is a very non-direct form of involvement.
I am not entirely sure the concept of "true love" exists. Of course, people can be madly and purely in love with one another, but the concept of "true love" suggests that not all love is real. There are many forms of love from familial love to romantic love to platonic love. The concept of "true love" is often described as unconditional and singular love, and unconditional love suggests persistence. Although, I also believe that someone can love multiple people at once. In terms of marriage, effort and commitment play a huge role in maintaining the relationship, as a spouse who doesn't make time for their lover will likely have a short marriage. Additionally, I think parents can have some effect on their children's marriage. I think of my sister's marriage and how my parents and my brother-in-law's parents have contributed to the marriage. My parents visit them often, we help out when we can. We all tried to help organize the wedding, baby shower, and my nephew's first birthday party. Although they are not inserting themselves in their children's marriages, they are providing resources that might benefit the marriage over time.
ReplyDeleteDo you think "true love" is always forever? If a marriage breaks up, does that mean that the love wasn't "true"?
ReplyDeleteHumans are invariably complex creatures that have multi-faceted emotions and beliefs. The emotion of love is one that has many layers of depth, causing many to hold conflicting beliefs about what they feel. Love is so complex that many people assign to it different definitions. The Ancient Greeks had many words for love, denoting their various associations. Unfortunately for the English language, we have one word, which leads to confusion. Romantic love, the feeling of attraction towards a partner, is the one most people refer to when it comes to relationships and is the one people associate the phrase “true love” with.
I believe “true love” does exist, but not the version many stories and fairytales display. Because we have such complex empathic systems, I do not believe is possible to fall in love and never change feelings. We are hardwired to questions our feelings and relationships and thus, can hold many beliefs at the same time, leading to a layer of emotional dissonance. I believe “true love” can last forever, but it requires constant care and attention to be able to maintain the relationship. However, one or two parties can decide their needs, goals, ambitions, lifestyles, ideas, whatever it may be, is too different or has changed, and may separate. That doesn't mean “true love” never existed, because true love is based on a goal I believe, not a feeling. Humans change emotions constantly, we are hunter-gather animals, not society-designed creatures. We cant control what we think or feel, but we can can control our devotions. Therefore, in my eyes, “True love” is not solely a feeling, but it is so much more. It is a commitment to a partner. That commitment can last lifetimes.
-Rafael Charqueno
I do think that "true love" lasts forever. Even if Soni separated from Tuyet, it was clear that he still held some form of affection for her. Love does not break easily, if you love someone you will still feel some lingering feeling even after you have split ways. The thing that makes true love last forever though, is commitment. To show commitment would be to stay with your love and help them if they ever needed it. I truly believe that if Soni had stayed and had helped Tuyet with her disabilities and was able to stay with her though any hardships, they could have stayed together until old age. But Soni did not have a choice in the end and had to leave Tuyet even after she had begun to become dependent on his help throughout their relationship. Maybe if he had communicated to his parents more about his situation in marrying Tuyet, they could have mentioned that marrying someone and leaving them after they developed a dependency on them was not the best idea for a healthy relationship. No one knows though, in the end they could have still supported Soni and the exact same outcome could have still happened. Overall, I do believe that love can last forever if maintained, but could fade away to just a wisp if not.
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