“I helped him to stand. He took my arm. And he began walking. I’d not seen him make it farther than across a living room in half a year. But walking slowly, his feet shuffling, he went the length of a basketball floor and then up a flight of twenty concrete steps to join the families in the stands. I was almost overcome just witnessing it. . . . Here is what having a hard conversation can do” (230)
Gawande offers his father’s remarkable trek across the gymnasium floor as an example of the value of a “hard conversation.”
Can you describe a hard conversation that you have had that either turned out for the best OR that led to a disaster?
The hardest conversation I have ever had in my life was about two or three weeks ago. My uncle went in for a normal gallbladder removal at the VA in Muskogee, OK. He had already been pushed back a week because an upper respiratory infection. We had been working in Wagner on a house that a tree fell on and caused some pretty good damage. The day he had his surgery the doctor told him he had a hematoma and sent us on our way. That evening we had to call an ambulance to pick my uncle up from the hotel we were staying in because he blacked out trying to sit up. We went to the ER and they sent us home after about an hour of telling my uncle that everything was normal and women handled the pain better than him. All of this happened on a Friday. We finally went home on Saturday and were back in an ER in Henryetta on Monday night. The doctor did blood work and told him that his hemoglobin was at an 8.4 when he should be around a 12 or 13. This meant he had internal bleeding and had lost over three pints of blood. We later found out that he had peritonitis along with his internal bleeding. The hospital wanted to transport him back to the VA in Muskogee via ambulance. We waited about 45 minutes but the only ambulance to show up only dropped off paperwork and left. My uncle signed himself out and we drove to the VA doing about ninety all the way there. The conversation we had on the ride will probably stick with me for a very long time. He told me what to do if he didn't make it, this is the only time in my life I had seen him scared to tears. He is only thirty-six years old and almost lost his life over a simple gallbladder removal. Peritonitis has a 40% fatality rate and is known to be accompanied with excruciating pain. The whole day after his surgery my uncle told me that he thought the doctor tried to kill him because his normal doctor set the surgeon straight on some personal patient issues with medication. I was so scared that I was going to lose my only uncle that is close to me that I cried and prayed the hardest in my life that his be spared.
ReplyDeleteSome of my hardest conversations have been sharing my Jesus with those I care about. It’s what I’m called to do, and I absolutely love it. That doesn’t make it any easier when someone I think of as a friend or a loved one starts to attack me for my “religion”. (I put religion in quotation marks because personally I hate that word with a passion. It’s so so so much more than that. Obviously because they’re attacking me they don’t understand that.) All though sometimes these conversations do drive a small wedge in the relationship, the ones that eventually lead someone to Christ are so insanely worth it.
ReplyDeleteI recently had a very difficult conversation with a close family member about their alcohol problem. It was so difficult to address because I was afraid that she would be angry with me for bringing it up, or that she would pretend she didn't have a drinking problem at all. It was after I had surprised her with a visit one evening and she asked me repeatedly to drive her son to his rehearsal that I realized that she was too drunk to do it herself. It made me wonder what she would have done if I hadn't randomly shown up. Would she have put them both in danger by driving him drunk to practice, or would he have missed his rehearsal altogether? These hard conversations can not be avoided, and it's better to have them sooner than later. If I had waited any longer to talk to her about her problem, someone may have gotten hurt. Fortunately she was receptive to the conversation and decided to go to rehab, but I hate to think of what would have happened if we hadn't had that talk. I feel that this relates to Being Mortal because many people that are terminally ill have progressed so far into their treatment and invested so much time and strength that it may be too late for them to live out the rest of their lives in a way that is comfortable and tolerable for them.
ReplyDeleteI have had several hard conversations in my life but the one that comes to mind was between me and one of my best friends. My friend had developed a bad drinking problem and I was deeply concerned for her safety. Eventually I spoke up about it. It did not go well. She felt as though I was attacking her personally or that I was simply judging her. We had a falling out and the friendship could not be salvaged. In hindsight, I can blame myself for a large portion of what went wrong. I don’t believe that I presented my thoughts in the best possible way. I think if I had went about the whole process differently it would have had a greater impact on her life and I wouldn’t have lost her as a friend. Gawande illustrates the importance of the hard conversation well and I think it’s a necessary part of socializing. Having said that, I have also learned from my experiences that it is very crucial that we are tactful and considerate when we have these conversations. These conversations at times can require a certain amount of preparation to yield the most effective results and we should take this into consideration. (Andrew Duncan)
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