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| "Gerasim holds Ivan Ilyich’s legs willingly…" by Lilias Buchanan |
--Leo Tolstoy, "The Death of Ivan Ilych."
Is the desire to be pitied a reasonable desire for a terminally ill person to have?
Or is the desire to be pitied promote helplessness?
If you were terminally ill would you want other people to pity you?
(Click here to read "The Death of Ivan Ilyich.")
I don't have any negative feeling about someone's desire to be pitied, especially one who is terminally ill. In reference to Ivan Ilych, he was said to had become very angry and hard to be around. I've read that anger is one of the stages in accepting one's diminishing mortality. He "longed to be pitied as a sick child" (page 2 of 282) Unfortunately in today's society pity is used in a negative way.
ReplyDeleteHowever there is nothing wrong with someone wanting to feel loved and nurtured is they are principally wasting away. Regardless of how old we get and how much we try to bury our inner child, it's something that we just can't hide. Ivan Ilych is a grown man who probably is too proud to even shed a tear. Therefor I don't believe the desire of pity promotes helplessness. Especially in this situation where he didn't verbally ask it. I believe that his desire for "pity" was just a poor way to verbalize Ilych's emotional need.
If I were to completely frank, to be completely honest, I would too want to have some form of compassion or sorrow shown for me. Sorrow and compassion for someone's misfortunes; that being the actual definition of pity.
-Lashanda Turenne(212666)
Thank you Shanda for sharing your opinion about these interesting questions. I feel that Ivan Ilych should be able to want pity without him being looked down upon and seen as a door mate to others. When a person is undergoing a chronic or terminal illness I cannot see how showing compassion or empathy could be wrong or unacceptable. I work at a nursing home and I love talking and getting to know my residents. As time passes some of the residents develop a deathly and greatly degrading illness. Some worse than others but eventually some of them, shown by their behavior, form a desire of pity from others. I believe that it is my job as a nursing assistant to give them the care that they want. Thus I give them my time and spend enough of that time to understand their circumstance and health problem. I try my best to achieve that "wanting" of pity, but at the same time I encourage them to keep embracing who they are and where they are at in life. So yes I agree with you about how pity doesn't promote helplessness and how the ill and sick should be able to be treated and responded in the way they most desire.
DeleteBeing pitied, within itself, is a part of human nature. When one is hurt, afraid, or in shock, it is natural to want to be pitied. One who is terminally ill, like Ilych, experiences all of these emotions and rationals often, sudden, and it is an experience that can cause one to change his or her perspective of how others should treat them. It is more human to wish to be pitied while ill and more taboo too feel as though you should not be pitied. People desire emotion from others; love, care, tenderness, sympathy, empathy, they are wants one longs for, especially when in a mind set such as Ivan's, or anyone under traumatic, life threatening or ending conditions. To feel as though pity is needed is the most reasonable thing to comprehend from a sick man or woman, not the feeling of reclusive behavior or a want to be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteBeing pitied is not always a sign to show helplessness, but sometimes a way to gain help where it is needed. Not every one seeks the same type or amount of care from others, even if a mass of people all had the exact same symptoms from a life ending sickness, not every person would respond in said group the exact same way. Some would attempt to carry on their normal lives, others would ask for help if needed, and some would use and abuse the health of others so they would get what they personally desired. Some would wish for mutual partnerships, others would attempt to be parasites. It depends on the person's natural behaviors and tendencies.
If I were to be terminally ill, I would wish for some sort of comfort from friends and family. After being in the hospital in a state that could have ended my life, or left me in a vegetable state, one thing that comforted me was my close family being with me and visits from my friends. If there was any scenario in which I ended up in another life threatening situation, such as what Ivan had, I would want my peers to be there to help me when there was a task I could not carry out myself.
-Sam Adams
This is why I love taking the honors classes! Spring semester of 2015 I developed and formed a more open and understanding mind. Before I took the class I didn't really see eye to eye with religious, political, social, and moral beliefs of others. Non-western Humanities (the class I took in the spring of 2015) helped me with this and more. Yes I am a conservative/ traditionalist in my beliefs but now I see "why" and "how" others could truly believe certain ideas, concepts, and mindsets and then stick with them. So when you talked about how people with terminal illnesses seek and act out differently I begin to remember how rich and lively the worldly cultures seem to be. I believe that the root of pity comes from the "wanting" and hunger for a form of sympathy from others. I can relate to this. Everyone is unique and different from everyone else so it makes sense that everyone would see and imagine pity in different ways.
DeleteIf we were all completely honest with ourselves I believe we would find that at one time or another we have all desired pity. I do not find it unreasonable for a man who is dying to have that same desire. Furthermore, we send flowers and greeting cards littered with synonyms of the word pity - condolence and sympathy - without a second thought. Maybe our problem with the idea of pity is partly due to the negative connotation of the word itself. If I became terminally ill I feel that I would desire pity like Ivan; however, there is also a chance I would rather be treated as if nothing were wrong. The answer to that question remains hazy.
ReplyDeleteAnother perspective that I have not really thought about is the many ways that people can "express" pity and emotion towards the terminal ill. The first image that came to me when I thought about pity was either a verbal or physical warmth that comes from listening or touching the sick person. Now I see that pity can be disguised as a gift, letter, or a physical object that comforts and embraces the individual. And another thing I believe is wrong with how we see pity is the way we put a negative aura around it. It's as if the act of being pitied and the person receiving it is not "trying" to see the positive aspect of the problem- a hopeful and possible cure for their disease.
DeleteI believe as others have posted that pity is a natural human desire, even though it has negative connotations. Pity to some is a form of compassion that shows there are others who have a caring emotional tie to them. Many people who are terminally ill desire pity because it shows they are not by themselves in the struggle. Ilych received no pity because his loved ones simply refused to believe his illness was anything serious that medicine could not treat. Even though this important functionary with a beard turning grey sought pity, he knew because of his age and status he would not receive what he most wanted in the end.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe pity is what terminally ill people wish to receive. I like to think that anybody that is terminally ill would rather receive encouragement and love, this type of support promotes a positive mindset that in turn gives them the strength to look on the bright side of what is happening to them. Even though they are in a low spot of life, encouragement and love could be all they need to pull through, not pity.
If I were to ever become terminally ill, I do not think I would want to be showed pity for my physical state because it would in turn bring down the mental state of mind.
There is a fine line between pity and encouragement. Pity is defined as a person feeling sorry for another and encouragement leans more on a hopeful outcome of the illness. When you said that pity will only degrade the mind I understood that you would rather want uplifting and faith-filled words from others because of how it stimulates and promotes a better state of mind. Thank you for sharing.
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DeleteI believe that the purpose of this introduction was to outline the main problematic issues in the medical/health field today. It created a blueprint into the forbidden discussions of the troubling increase of aging people in the U.S. and how professionals and even family sometimes deny basic life comforts to their loved ones/ residents. Firstly, the author mentioned that he saw that the main reason for medical school was to save lives rather than tend to the person’s dismiss and make their stay as satisfying as possible. Secondly, professionals and even family members install a false hope into the residents/patients mind. This can and has led to pseudo-beliefs of a certain wanted and desired outcome. Lastly, the health field seems to avoid “acknowledging” the experience of aging and dying. They would rather analyze and experiment with this process than to sit down and communicate and attempt to understand how it feels to be living your last days on earth. This leads to a misunderstanding of what it truly means to use one’s life as a devotion of selflessness, care, and diligent compassion towards those that are terminally ill and those living in a health facility. I believe as a certified nursing assistant it is my job to continue to further my relationships and professional experience with my wonderful residents at my nursing home. I know that there is a fine boundary of what is morally right and wrong in my field and I continually attempt to evolve my beliefs and understanding of what my role is as a nurse. Now I believe that the issue with pity can be easily understood. When I first read the questions I believed that pity was a very considerate and human way of saying let me be the center of attention and focus on me while I am down in the dumps or terminally ill. Ivan llych as a terminally ill patient had the right to want this emotion and behavior from others. But it was also the right of the professionals and family members to either ignore this or act on it the way that they saw fit. I believe that pity doesn’t develop into helplessness but instead helps the person in their time of difficulty and hardship. I believe that pity is not the best sort of empathy that you would get from somebody, but like I said it helps them through their problems. Compassion, positive words, gentle and calm touching, and reliving happy memories with another person are all alternatives that I would rather have than pity. If I was terminally ill I would not want pity but instead time with my loved ones and cheerful laughter and joyful words to uplift my spirits. Ivan didn’t see it this way but he did want the same outcome as I would- people spending “time” with him and sharing their grief/happiness with him.
ReplyDeleteTo say whether or not the desires of someone who is facing their demise are reasonable or not is a hard call to make. Having never been in such a position how does one know what’s right or reasonable? Each individual is different meaning that everyone will have different wishes or desires when it comes their time to go. If you look at Ivan’s background you can see he is someone who does thrive off of social status and the attention of others, so it is not unreasonable for him to desire to be pitied on his deathbed. After all, when a person has nothing left to contribute the only thing they can hope to receive attention for is their illness and that attention is most likely to come in the form of pity. Seeing as how he is a proud person it’s unlikely that he is trying to promote helplessness by wishing to be pitied. I know, as someone who is very independent, if I was in his position I wouldn’t want to promote helplessness or be pitied, but I would wish to at least receive some sort of sympathy from those that care about me. Desiring attention – in the form of pity in this case- is a part of human nature. Some individuals such as Ivan Ilyich just more readily welcome that attention.
ReplyDeletePity, empathy, sympathy, and other related emotions were the great impacters on Ivan's life. Nowadays with the technology that we have it seems hard to imagine that anyone could be lonely. But it just comes to show people don't want things but rather people and their love.
DeleteI think you made a great point about not wanting to promote helplessness. Sometimes our desires as humans can seem contradictory. In a situation like Ivan's, our pride is constantly wrestling with our longing for sympathy. But as Jacob pointed out, loneliness can be quite a powerful feeling. I'm hesitant to use the word pity, because I think it has an essence of defeat to it. I do, however, agree that sympathy and attention are crucial to our peace of mind.
DeleteIn these modern times, pity has gained a highly negative connotation. It is seen as almost mocking and jesting in nature. According to dictionary.com, pity is defined as "sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy". When worded that way, pity sounds like the best and most appropriate possible response to the distress of a person experiencing pain. As human beings, we naturally crave attention and community; we have always preferred living in groups to solitude. To show a dying individual pity is to sympathize with there condition, and reassure them that they are a valuable asset to the community, one that would be dearly missed.
ReplyDeleteI personally don't think pity promotes helplessness, either. When I had a crippling bout of sciatica during marching band rehearsal, everyone immediately rushed over to check on me and express their pity. Their sorrow and anxiety at my agony reminded me that I was an important not only as a fellow band member, but also as their friend. When they expressed their pity, they offered to fetch my water or give me pain medicine. They assisted me because I was incapable of helping myself at that time. They didn't promote or create a sense of helplessness: they acted upon my already existing inabilities.
The act of pitying a person can become degrading if you express it to someone you don't know. If I were terminally ill, I would definitely crave the pity of my friends and family. However, I would feel uncomfortable with random strangers pitying me, because they aren't members of my personal community. It would feel more like I was being labeled as "needing of pity" and seen as an ill and dying entity, rather than being viewed as the actual human I am, with a personality and unique talents. I suppose it would depend upon the specific situation and those involved, but personally I believe it is the community's job to express pity to those in need and want of it, and that the craving of pity is justified, reasonable, and understandable.
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ReplyDeleteI do not believe the act of being pitied to be an efficacious mental or physical treatment for a terminally ill individual. Pitying the dying is like paying the zoo entrance fee in order to gaze sorrowfully onto a caged lion. Rather than helping the lion, this act only reinforces the once great predator’s knowledge that its circumstance has reduced its societal role to that of a mere sideshow. In Ivan’s case, his overwhelming desire for pity only left him mentally degraded…. I can declare with confidence that I would not want others to pity me if I were to become terminally ill. I believe keeping personal dignity in a near-death situation is a more effective tool than allowing the passing pity of others to lead oneself into apathy. What good is it to live out ones final days being treated as a potential corpse rather than a productive being?
ReplyDeleteThe terminally ill's desire to be pitied is something natural. Ivan wanted nothing more than for people to accept that he was dying. Instead, his wife refused to accept the truth, and called in more and more doctors, instead of actually caring for Ivan the way that Ivan wanted to be cared for. Reading about Ivan Ilyich's situation reminded me of how a friends grandmother spent the last months of their life. She became terribly bitter and resentful of her family, even though they had given her an apartment that she would be able to live on her own in, and given her a multitude of doctors and nurses who attempted to take care of her. She had accepted that she was going to die, and was constantly angry and lashing out at her family because of it. She wanted pity, but hated that she needed it.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, pity isn't something that everybody wants from the end of their life. My own great-grandparents refused to let the slightest knowledge of their failing health out, and preferred to keep most of the family in the dark because "They didn't want us to carry their burden." They both died in their home, and both of them gave no hint of suffering when the family was over. When it finally happened, everybody was stunned. Pity, perhaps, is just as much for the suffering as it is for the caretakers. Maybe it helps prepare us for the future, and accepting what will happen in the end.
At some point in time, we have all felt alone or forgotten. In those moments, all we desired was for someone to come to us and show us love. I feel that everyone around Ilych (his friends, family and doctor) were focused on his illness instead of him. He desired pity and attention rather than everyone looking over him to his sickness. I know that if I were in the same situation, I would feel the same way. Wanting attention and love isn’t something to be ashamed of. It isn’t a sign of weakness. In reality, it’s something every human needs.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe there is anything wrong with wanting to feel cared for. Pity as a word holds a negative connotation from the way that it is used in our present culture. People may see it as a weak act of yearning for other people to feel sorry for you. This is not actually what Ivan wanted, nor is it what the majority of terminally ill patients want. What they crave is honesty, and warmth. They want to know that someone else understands there struggle, and maybe someone who they can talk to about it. Life can feel overwhelming living it inside your own head all of the time. It can feel as if a huge weight has been lifted when you are able to address your concerns out loud to another brain, and see how a different perspective relates to their struggle.
ReplyDeleteIf I was terminally ill, I wouldn't want the important people in my life to treat me differently. I would want to be able to tell them what I'm going through, but I wouldn't wan that to be the center of their thoughts every time they see me. I want my life to end the same way it began, surrounded by people that care about me, and with an appreciation for the life I was given.
I believe that a person who is terminally ill will want to be pitied. I believe that the pity, in nature, reflects upon the feeling of helplessness instead of invoking it. While being terminally ill, a person will have to come to terms with their demise, which is not an easy thing to do. Our natural instinct is to survive. I believe that while coming to terms with death, in the way of sickness, a person will naturally feel helpless. They cannot stop their death from coming, so they are subjected to coping. I believe that feeling the need to be pitied and comforted is a way of coping with death. If I was terminally ill, I would want someone to pity me too.
ReplyDeleteEveryone wants to be to be pity when they are suffering or going through any kind of trial. And to some degree I think we should want some pity for ourselves. But not to the extent that we become lazy and do the work for us. But the person also should come to terms with their illness and know their limits. If I was terminally ill I would want someone to feel a little pity for me. There is still coping involved in the process. But I would also want someone to tell me that life is not over for me, maybe different but not over. As a christian this life is not what I live for. So coping for me is a little different, my strength is not supplied by myself, but by God. So I'm not terrified of death, but that doesn't mean I don't try to live this life to my best ability.
ReplyDeleteI believe pity to be an appropriate thing to long for in moments where we are reminded that things don’t go quite according to plan, especially when we’re on our last legs. Today it is seen as something negative. It’s an unnecessary question of whether we can take care of ourselves in the eyes of most, and others scorn it simply because their peers do. But pity is a natural reaction. When someone is hurt; afraid; or caught up in uncertainty, we react. We comfort and pity and in this case pity becomes a form of empathy. And, in all honesty, I think that if ever we need empathy, it would be when we feel everything just slipping out of our grasp. Pity, negative connotation or no, reminds us that people care, and the end is a time when most would need the reminder. It does make one feel helpless, but only when one denies that they want it. If you want comfort, the worst thing to do is ruminate over how you know what you want but refuse it to yourself. It’s a punishment in this sense, and the last thing one should do is punish oneself for wanting a simple reminder of affection and worth. If I were terminally ill, I believe I would like the reminder. No overwhelming amount of pity from anyone and everyone, just those closest to me. When it comes down to it, I would scorn pity from those I feel were not close enough to me, but I would welcome the reminder of worth from those I trusted most.
ReplyDelete-C. Elizabeth Cooley
While I agree with the idea of a terminally ill person feeling helpless and how our instinct is to survive, I'm not sure if pity is the word I would use. It seems to me a person who feels helpless would be more inclined to seek survival rather than look for the sorrows of others. I think, in this case, more people would seek empathy over pity. We want people to understand what we are going through and how terrible it is. That's why we go through great lengths in order to prove how miserable we are. Take the case of a mentally ill person. Many would prefer to open up to someone who has experienced mental illness, be it a personal experience or through others, than someone who has not. Even in casual conversations, we explain in detail our lives so people can understand how happy, busy, tired, sad, etc. we are. We don't just want people to feel bad. We want them to know and to experience it with us. Human instinct is the knowledge we are pretty useless on our own and the action to prevent it. Think about our ancestors. They would travel in groups to hunt, fight, forage and farm. Why? Because humans are not creatures who are designed for solitude.
ReplyDelete*Now, I have never been terminally ill, but I would think it wouldn't be much different. In order to survive, we need people to go through it with us. Pity doesn't serve that purpose. It doesn't satisfy our need for others to experience our lives with us. I don't believe a terminal ill person inherently wants pity for that reason.
DeleteHowever, that being said, if a person were to desire pity, it would be understandable and justifiable, but less pragmatic to the idea of survival.
*For some reason, this failed to post the entire comment originally. Oh well.
This really depends on the person and why they are looking for pity. If that person wants pity so that others will do things for them, then pity is absolutely an enabler of helplessness. But in many cases, people are just looking for understanding and recognition for what they have gone through or are currently going through as difficult.
ReplyDeleteBut through personal experience, i would absolutely hate to be pittied, no matter the reason. To see a certain look within someones eyes, that look that seems, to me, to resemble the though of someone being broken or defeated. I would feel like they are treating me a certain way, not based off of who i am, but off of who they think me to be due to whatever circumstances they pitty me for. And i believe there are many other, much more useful ways to show understanding without having to pitty people
-Maranda Clymer