"Fight with Cudgels" (1820-1823) by Francisco Goya
Lerner and Schlecther identify four warning signs that a conversation is moving “below the belt” (48)
1. Escalation
2. Invalidation
3. Negative Interpretation
4. Withdrawal
2. Invalidation
3. Negative Interpretation
4. Withdrawal
After you’ve read these descriptions, identify the one that you could improve on.
3. Negative Interpretation
ReplyDeleteI have noticed that sometimes the biggest thing standing in my way is myself. If someone says something in a tone different than I am expecting, I can very easily overthink and dwell on that interaction for a long time after it happens, wondering if I did something wrong. Sometimes it doesn't even have to be an interaction; if I don't keep my thoughts in check I am able to create "worst case scenarios": in my head.
Negative interpretation is a major struggle for me as well. I think a lot of it is rooted in a completely irrational belief that no one is as attached to me as I am them. I totally understand what you mean about creating scenarios, too. It is so easy to let your imagination run away with you if you dwell on things too long. For me, an important practice has been finding outlets for the negativity and reminding myself that it is almost never as deep as I initially believe.
Delete4. Withdrawal
ReplyDeleteThis is something that I definitely struggle with. I avoid conflict at all costs, so when I’m prompted to talk about what it is that may be upsetting me I completely shut down.
Escalation
ReplyDeleteI feel like Escalation is what I struggle with most. I tend to escalate the conversation, because I hate when things go unsaid, and if we are having issues I tend to be the one to say something(maybe not always with calmest words). I want people to understand that I'm irritated, or hurt, or feel like there is a problem, so I get worked up, especially when I have practiced the conversation in my head dozens of times. I do not do it to seem angry or rude, it is mostly because I want to resolve some issue or conflict, but it is something that I should work on.
One warning sign I struggle with in having confrontational conversations with people is withdrawal. Often times when talking to others, I tend to shut down when it comes to explaining how I feel. I have the mindset that it would be easier to suppress the emotion and act as if nothing were wrong at all. I like to stay as non-problematic as possible, yet bottling up those emotions and thoughts actually does more harm than good. Though it might feel uncomfortable to explain the negative emotion at the time, it improves communication and doesn't leave the other person wondering what I am thinking or how I feel. Improving this means being open and vulnerable at times, but will drastically improve my personal and professional relationships.
ReplyDeleteLizzie Jones
Hey Lizzie, I struggle with withdrawl as well, but for a slightly different reason, I simply just don't like confrontation. I would rather just say my piece, tell the person what I think, and then shut down. I have learned over the past couple years that although that approach may be the easiest, it is by no means the most beneficial. If you let people walk all over you and do not ever put your foot down, then people will see you as someone they can easily manipulate. Instead, I have found that it is easier to say what you think and stand by it, while also considering the other persons opinion. By doing this you will prove to the other person that you respect them, which is very important.
DeleteJami Watson^^
DeleteMy most difficult issue is negative interpretation. I tend to feel personally attacked when someone is actually just trying to help me. I've been working on this, specifically, for a very long time. I over think things as being negative, when in reality they may be neutral. Insecurity is something I've been working on for a long time, and I will probably be working on it until the day I die.
ReplyDeleteMy most difficult issue in conversations is definitely invalidation. I say jokingly a lot, "That's stupid" or "That's dumb" or many other belittling things throughout my day. I don't mean to be rude, in fact most of the time I am probably joking cause it was a good idea. But I can understand how that might come of as demeaning and invalidation even if there was a light-hearted meaning behind it. I will have to work on it.
ReplyDeleteI am a mix between withdrawal and escalation. If I am in a fight that has hit me hard to my core or brought up something I am sensitive about I retreat like I'm being shot at. Even if I want to talk it's like my vocal cords are MIA. If someone makes fun of my anxiety ticks or my insecurities I shut down. On the other hand if we are in an argument about something I am passionate about or if it is over a friend I will escalate the situation. You said something rude to my friend I have a problem with being in your face. If you are blaming me for something I did not do I will be screaming. I have gotten a lot better as I got older and have had time for self reflection but these two areas are definitely where I need to focus speaking in a normal tone and just expressing my feelings in a calm manner.
ReplyDeleteNegative interpretation is and always has been my biggest enemy. It is so easy for me to make up a whole story in my head about how said person is only talking to me
ReplyDeletebecause they have to or they’re constantly angry with me just because I take any text or words said that way. I struggle with trusting other people and their abilities to be honest with me. Insecurity has been a deep rooted struggle for me for a long time and hopefully I will learn to negate that especially in this sense.
Mallory Forgione
DeleteOne that I could improve on tremendously is negative interpretation. I constantly assume the worst thing possible if I have a conversation with someone and did not clearly get the message that they were trying to say. I tend to think in my head, “What did she mean by that” or “Was he being sarcastic?” I think negative interpretation is something I struggle with more than the others because I am an overthinker. I overthink every conversation, every assignment, or even movies and TV shows. Although I wish I could be carefree and laid back about everything, I still lay in bed some nights and try to interpret the ”Did she really mean to say that” conversations. I tend to create fake scenarios in my head and play the ”what if” game. I feel bad for my boyfriend because every time he goes out without me my mind automatically skips all the reasonable things he could be doing and goes straight to oh my gosh he’s cheating on me. Thank God he never has, but that is just an example of how my mind goes straight into negative interpretation mode.
ReplyDeleteFor me it is definitely escalation. I always like to be right, so many times it comes off as my way or the highway. I tend to sometimes raise my voice when I don't mean to and can get a little rowdy sometimes. I sometimes make a conversation last longer than it should just because I don't want to be the wrong one.
ReplyDeleteI actually have problems with two of these warning signs. I am a victim of both escalation and withdrawal. I often withdraw from people because they anger me. I had really bad anger issues when I was a child, and I learned to deal with that by simply avoiding the things that made me angry to begin with. My fear being that if I don’t withdraw from people that make me angry I’ll end up doing something I’ll regret. I often escalate things in discussions, because the vast majority of people are terrible at arguing. They go in circles, use ad hominems, or just ignore your points, or spew out non sequiturs. After the fifth time I have to explain why someone is wrong the exact same way, because they always respond with the exact same argument I just spent ten minutes disproving, or they just go off on an unrelated tangent, or they just insult me, then I start raising my voice. Because I figure that they’re not even attempting to argue in good faith, so I might as well yell at them.
ReplyDeleteWithdrawal is something I absolutely tend to fall into. I have a fear that things can escalate and that I could possibly say things I’ll regret, so I just retreat. I have a hard time confronting situations. So when a moment is getting heated my initial reaction is to back off completely and withdraw from the situation as a whole. This can be a negative thing because it sometimes causes me to not come back to the situation and fix things. I try to slide it under the rug and forget about it. As Lerner and Schlechter describe, “it feels so much better than confrontation.” This then creates more icky emotions to build up inside me that if I don’t confront them, they will one day explode.
ReplyDeleteEscalation and Withdrawal are both two major things that I struggle with. Yes, I am aware that they seem like moving in two separate directions but for me they go hand in hand.
ReplyDeleteFor some context I group up in a household of lots and lots of arguing. Arguing between my mother and Biological father, between both of my parents and grandparents, and probably due to the two previous, my two brothers and myself.
Due to these conditions I developed a very aggressive dialogue style but also, I recognized that what I was doing was wrong so I also developed immense guilt from every argument I got into.
But from a mix of many many, attempts at therapy and such, I have slowly begun to learn to slow down the escalation and quicken the speed of reconnection.
Lol I forgot to add my name.
DeleteI could definitely improve on withdrawal. I am not big on confrontation and/or change, so I tend to back away when things get challenging. I try to avoid conflict at all costs. however conflict is a part of life so it is important to learn how to deal with it in a health manner. I tend to withdrawal and back away from any conflict or any topic that could be upsetting to me. Improving on and learning to face my problems the right way would be a tremendous help.
ReplyDeleteWhile I have been improving upon it, I struggle with withdrawing from difficult conversations. Sometimes it is just easier to escape than it is to confront the truth of a matter. Other times you just need some time to process..., but you do not really spend time processing it. Instead, you actively avoid thinking about it. I have begun to see the importance of conversations that are just difficult to have. Sometimes they can save a relationship that otherwise would have died out had the words gone unsaid. Whenever I feel the need to withdraw I try to assess if withdrawing would really make things get better. If I realize it won't I force myself through the conversation and just try to make it more comfortable to talk about by throwing in some humor.
ReplyDeleteI tend to avoid confrontation, so I definitely need to improve on the withdrawal side. I also have issues with negative interpretation. I tend to assume the worst when a friend is upset or if they don't answer my texts, and I have been working on that and improving for awhile.
ReplyDeleteNegative Interpretation. Without another thought, it is definitely negative interpretation. The number of times where I have caused my own problems by simply overthinking is ridiculous. I do it for every little thing. I did not, however, realize that this is also potentially detrimental to the other people around me as well. When you think about the worst possible scenario, like for example someone not texting back right away, it leads to a negative image of that person. Which is not fair to them or yourself. I need to slow down and not react so emotionally to situations around me. The ABCDE method mentioned is definitely one I am going to try and practice to hopefully break this habit.
ReplyDeleteI love to argue, to the point where I am pursuing a degree in legal studies and intend to become a labor lawyer. I have a wonderful time arguing different angles of situations, policies, or anything else I can get my hands on. One thing I don't like to argue or discuss, though, is my personal life or feelings in any given situation. Thus my biggest issue in any conversation or relationship rears its ugly head: withdrawal. I am prone to bottle up my thoughts and shut down in the face of confrontation, and while that response has been useful when having to rude or hateful people, I often see myself instinctually applying that response to much more healthy relationships.
ReplyDeleteI really needed to hear that the end of the conversation isn't the end of the issue, withdrawing is just a way of allowing conflict to fester. If I want to make the most of my relationships with the people around me, I will have to get into the habit of addressing conflict when it arises. So, moving forward I will try harder to engage with the people in my life, simply pushing down my thoughts so they can blow out later isn't enough to form meaningful relationships or to address conflict.
I think I do some negative interpretation, sometimes. The statement from Chapter 2, “Negative interpretation is often the projection of your own fears and worries” made me realized that I must avoid it even on my bad days when my self-esteem is too low. I should really stick to control my mind over negative emotions/interpretations. That would benefit me not to waste my time and have guilt over thinking such things, later. It will also reduce stress that takes birth with fears and worries. Fears spoil everything, even the easier things. That might be the cause of loss of many opportunities, especially in college life. I hope to carry all these productive things and be in a good state of mind no matter what stage of life it is.
ReplyDelete