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| "Pregnant Girl" (1950) by Philippe Halsman |
According to Smarsh, that was "a scandalously old age for a first child in some corners of rural America" (89).
In the community that you grew up in, is there still an expectation for women to get married by a certain age? Or have children by a certain age?
If a woman in Oklahoma graduates from college without having a partner that she intends to marry, does anyone consider that a cause for anxiety?
I think this is a very good question especially in our society. For decades it has been custom for a women to graduate high school get married and start a family almost immediately. Now that women are getting jobs outside the home they are going to college and some deciding to delay the process of a family or completely opting out of that kind of life. I grew up near a college that had kind of a joke but not fully, it was “ring before spring” so I still see that in society today people think that if they don’t have someone after college then then won’t get married and also the expectation that 30 is the end date of dating life, marriage, late to have your first kid. Many people still today worry about a women that graduates without a husband to marry. I believe not everyone has the same timing for their life, and that each person is on their own path which means the time for them to get married and have kids will be different from the rest of they choose that path.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother is currently worried that I do not have a boyfriend. My father pushed going into education on all of his daughters. While I do believe being a teacher is what I was meant to be, one my sisters does not, my family is not happy about it. Being a teacher to my family doesn't mean changing lives and impacting children, it means being able to be a full-time mother and wife, and still being able to take care of my home and generate an income. I do believe if I was to graduate college without a boyfriend that intend to marry, my family will be thrown into shock, my grandmother will try and set me up on dates, and the people from my hometown will be greatly disappointed. A lot of my family will probably assume I am either gay, or that I won't ever get married or have children. This expectation is definitely present in my life, as I am sure it is very present in other Oklahoma women's lives too, and would without a doubt cause anxiety in the lives of those around me.
ReplyDeleteThe small town I grew up in, in south Texas, it is frowned upon to have children at a young age. The few girls who got pregnant in high school would be the talk of the town because it was so uncommon in Needville. Every citizen of my town is either Catholic or Christian so, many of the townspeople believe that you should wait to have children until you are married and have a stable job. Texas culture and Oklahoma’s may be different, but if a student in Texas graduated college without a partner, most people would just see them as an independent individual and wouldn’t be concerned with their love life.
ReplyDeleteThis something I can relate to from my own town. However, my town was not small but everyone tended to be very plugged into everything at my highschool and around town. Around my town there was a noticeable difference in thinking between people. Some families wanted to get married early and some wanted their kids to wait. However, there was a consistent consensus that it was to early if you were any younger than about twenty four or twenty five. I think this might have been the high expectations for college and that they wanted their children to have a steady job before having kids of their own. I think as our society grows in numbers than it will slowly turn to waiting before having kids as well. No matter how much we grow, high paying and cushy jobs will always be limited. In my opinion, that tends to be what anybody who is waiting for kids is waiting for. Therefore, even though I grew up just south of Houston Texas, and you grew up in small town Texas the ideals were the same. I think that is really because of the changes in society not just culture.
DeleteIn my home town, there isn’t an expectation on what age women should be married. The only expectation is to be married before having kids. In my town it was not an age that we should be having children it was what age we should not be having children. High school girls were discouraged from having children and should wait for whenever they have finished at least high school, preferably college. In my hometown and family, once you start college (or a career path after high school) that’s when people start to worry about significant others, and children. Now that I am in college, my neighbor, Nan, asks me every time she sees me “How’s the boyfriend situation? Still no boyfriend?” I do not believe there is a certain age that I or other women are expected to have kids, it’s more about where you are in you life that causes our society to be anxious about kids or the lack there of.
ReplyDeleteThe expected time for a woman in my town to marry and have children can be as early as high school graduation and the deadline is set at a woman’s late twenties. However, there is an unspoken restriction to this deadline. The woman must have a partner when she graduates college if she wants an extension on getting married and having children. While I am not anxious about having a partner when I graduate college, I know my family and community are. There have been family members excited for me to have kids since I was in middle school. The cause of anxiety for me personally is trying to appease my family without forfeiting my own happiness.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFor woman, there seems to be only a small window people think its acceptable to become pregnant. If you get pregnant in your teens then you are too young but if you wait until your late twenties you are pushing your luck. Personally, I think that when you become a mother should not decided by your age but by your maturity level and financial standing. I know people who are 27 and still living the party life and I know people who are 18 with their life already set up the way they want and able to support a family. As you can see from the book, if you rush starting a family before you are ready, it usually only leads to years of an unhappy household. I don't think we should feel pressured and riddled with anxiety by society if we graduate college and still have not found the love of our life. Our level of success should not be defined by whether or not we have a partner when we are 22.
ReplyDeleteI agree with this whole response. There does seem to be a small window for pregnancy. I agree when you say that it should be decided on the maturity level and financial standing. Age and maturity level can be two very unrelated things.
DeleteI think different expectations remain among my community about when a woman should get married and/or have children. For instance, I have had the same boyfriend for three years, and my family fears that I will get married while I am in college. Furthermore, my mother was twenty years old, just slightly older than me, when she gave birth to me; I know that she does not want me to make that situation a pattern. However, on the flip side, I know numerous women who are my age and have children. In most adults’ eyes, having a child is something that should be coupled with marriage, but a lot of people my age yearn to have kids and see no problem with having them in their teens or early twenties with or without a spouse.
ReplyDelete-Payton Hodges
This was a really interesting question to ponder. Where I grew up, women did not exactly have a certain age to be married or have children, it is more of a range. I would estimate that the range where it would be expected for a woman to be married and/or have children is between ages 20-28. It would definitely be questioned if a woman were to graduate from college with no partner that she was intending to marry or having no children. My community does not place expectations for women to be married or have children by a certain age as strongly as they do expect women to wait. It is very frowned upon to have children while still in high school or to get married right out of high school. They expect women to focus more on their careers than on having a family right out of high school.
ReplyDelete- Chasey Terry
In Oklahoma there is definitely expectations for the timeline of a person's life, and I think that it it even more so true for women. The timeline set up for our mid-western culture is to get married right after college and live the rest of your life out. I don't necessarily think that those who make these assumptions are doing it to put young adults in an uncomfortable, anxiety inducing time crunch. Older folks have the life experience to foresee that opportunities to meet someone after college decrease; not because of age, but because of environment. College is a time when you're surrounded with thousands of other people in the same age range and season of life. Not to say that is is impossible to meet someone after graduation, but the circumstances might make it a little more difficult for some people.
ReplyDelete^^^^^Lexi Tompkina
ReplyDeleteIn the community that I grew up in, it is extremely common for women to get married before they are twenty, and have babies sometimes even before they graduate high school. I remember my mother telling me how her sisters called her an “old maid” for not getting married until she was twenty-three, while they married fresh out of high school. In my opinion, it is a matter of where you grew up as to what the expectations are. My town in southern Oklahoma has heaps of families with generations of teenage marriages and pregnancies, similar to Smarsh’s family. While it has become more common to go get a degree and not marry until later, there is still a sort of pressure that you should be working towards a marriage instead of just focusing on your degree and marrying when you see fit.
ReplyDeleteIn my hometown the majority of the demographics are older generations in which the women had children at a young age, and I feel as though it has made an impression on the mindsets of the teens and young adults of generations that followed. Many other girls my age have gotten married and have started families of their own before reaching twenty years old, which is fine if it works for them, but it is not a path I would choose personally. I think that having a stable career and living situation is essential before having children as well as a healthy marriage with someone you can trust. On the topic of marriage, I do not think that if a woman is not married by the rime she graduates, that she should worry. Many graduate around their mid-twenties and I know plenty of people who are not married in their early thirties. If you marry, I believe it should be because of love and not out of fear of never marrying or because they feel they are running out of time. As far as I am concerned, no one has found the perfect answer to life so there is no right way to do things.
ReplyDeleteI moved around a lot, so I have been able to see the wide variation of expectations set for the "appropriate" age a woman should marry. For example, in the smaller towns that I have lived in, it is not uncommon for a woman to marry as soon as she graduates high school. I believe that this is because smaller towns still have the idea that the man should be the sole provider, while the woman stays home and raises the children. A person who does not work or go to college would have a much more difficult time finding a partner, so it just makes sense to find a partner in high school. However, this has not always been the case in the larger cities that I have lived in, especially in the past few years. In fact, it is not uncommon for a woman to never marry. Especially in the last few years, as women are more equal to men than they used to be, therefore they are able to financially support themselves while remaining independent. As far as a timeline for children, I do not believe that there is one set in stone. No matter where you live, it is generally frowned upon to have a child if you are not financially stable or, in some cases, if you are unwed. Aside from that, I do not think that there is a certain age that would be considered good or bad to have children.
ReplyDeleteOn the topic of rushing to find a partner in college, I believe that that idea is doltish. The individuals who graduate college on time are young and have their entire life ahead of them. There are so many opportunities that we will have post-graduation. Not finding your life-long partner while still in college should not be a cause for alarm.
In the environment and family that I have grown up in, getting married or having children by a certain age was never pushed on me in a big way. However, there was still a small pressure, as I remember being young when I realized I didn’t want to have children, and that did cause me some anxiety. Now though, I have no worry about discussing my personal feelings on the topic with my family, and if I graduate college without a partner that I intend to marry, I won’t be too worried about that either.
ReplyDeleteI believe that there is no way to please everyone when it comes to marrying someone and/or starting a family. If you have a child in your teens, you're "too young" to raise a baby. If you have a baby during college, you're bound to drop out and not finish your education. If you wait a few years after you graduate from college and have a stable career, you waited too long and now if you can even get pregnant, you will be an "old mom". Same goes for marriage.
ReplyDeleteQuite frankly, I think that whenever you feel happy and ready, that's when you should get married and/or have a baby. It's your life, and you should do what will make you and your family happy, regardless of the "pressure" that is put on you by family, friends, or your hometown.
I definitely agree that there are standards in which women are meant to apply to their lives when it comes to marriage and having children. When I was younger I saw so many women around me getting married as soon as they got out of high school, sometimes while still in high school, just out of fear of being alone. They would then rush to have a child as soon as possible. Seeing this growing up, I thought that that was the way to show that I had a good life. I had to have a husband as soon as possible and to have kids. I now understand that I don't have to live up to societal expectations of women, but I did wish that my younger self knew that too. You don't see the "settling down" trend being pushed on young boys so why should we be pushing it onto girls?
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right. However, I would say the pressure is on the boys as well as the girls. The comments are not as overt, but the pressure is there. I know many boys that are struggling because they think they need to be married by 25 or else it is the end of the world. They grow more discouraged with each break up. This is even worse for the ones who have older siblings that at that age were already married and maybe with a kid.
DeleteI believe that in my community that I grew up in that there's a certain age they believe you should have a boyfriend, get married, and/or have kids because then they think you're getting too old to not have a boyfriend or too old to not have kids yet. In my community I feel it is because of the time range they expect you to do things. They don't consider financial stability or anything of that sort, only time. I don't agree with any of these and think that everything will happen in due time and whenever people are ready.
ReplyDelete-Aimee Wood
In the community I grew up in, most of my friends married either before or directly after college. They would then be expected to have children immediately. I made the conscious decision that I wanted to know my husband and have time to focus on only him before I intentionally tried to have a child.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure about Oklahoma, but I know some people in Texas that would have a heart attack. Women ae supposed to go to college for an MRS degree, right? Other people did not seem to mind, and even said it was common. I guess it was more normalized in my life because my mom waited until she was 30 to conceive.
To my knowledge there was not these types of expectations where I came from. To me it seemed like people just took things as they happened. If someone had a kid while they were really young, then so be it they had a kid. It felt like the attitude of the town was life happens and that’s just the way things are. I don’t think the woman back home are expected to have kids at any point other than when they so choose. I am not a woman so it might be a little different for me, but I do not think that I would be looked at any differently or frowned upon for returning home without a wife. Maybe my hometown is just a random rarity, but I don’t feel like those expectations apply there.
ReplyDeleteYes. There are absolutely stereotypes for women in the town I grew up in. Let me put it to you this way: I graduated with seven students. Seven including me. So yes, if a woman is not married in her very early twenties and doesn’t have children soon after that, there would be cause for concern. My hometown is very old-fashioned. They are the traditional conservative Christian type of people, the ones you always hear about; the ones that shake your hand Sunday morning and smile at you, but then talk about you the rest of the week. It is not uncommon for a woman to marry someone she really does not love, just to appease her family, or any other reason entirely.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think there is a huge expectation for women to get married by a certain age where I'm from. To me, it seems more like a standard families place on their daughters rather than one that society places. For example, my grandmother was married at age 16 and started a family shortly after. My aunt was also married at age 16, and now her daughter is about to have her first child at age 19. I don’t think this pattern has anything to do with community expectations because there are very few women where I’m from who are this young, married, and/ or have children. Rather, for that side of my family, the women seem to marry at young ages due to the pattern set before them and the built-in expectations.
ReplyDeleteIn the community I grew up in women are doing both, marrying young or waiting till they are older to marry. Neither is frowned upon because it is that individual's choice to make. There are girls getting married or having kids right out of high school and not everyone agrees with that, but they are not pushed away from the community. If those girls struggle or need help in any way, I have seen the community pull together to help that person. In my family the focus is to reach your goals and better yourself first but if that does happen or that is what you want you will always be supported. I feel like not having a partner after college is not a cause for anxiety. You have your whole life ahead of you where you are in it and where someone else is not going to be the same.
ReplyDeleteWhile there are still some outdated expectations for women in my hometown, thankfully there is no longer an expected age for girls to get married or start a family. However, up until the late 1990s this was not the case. Even in that decade, it was looked down upon if girls were not married shortly after high school starting a family within a few years of the wedding. I am very glad young women my age did not have to feel this pressure growing up in our small town.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting how times have changed over the years. Having children earlier in life used to be typical and now it is seen as challenging. These days, you will find some looking down on others for making that choice early. I believe that society does hold a standard on when to get married and when to raise a child. With it being harder to maintain a successful life than it used to be, many believe those wanting to bare children should be able to support them and be prepared to raise them. This to some is only possible by experiencing life. To put it simply, those who are middle aged have grown up and have learned from their experiences. This also gives them a chance to own what is required to support a child.
ReplyDeleteIf I had to give an age that women from my country were expected to get married by, I would say anywhere between 25 and 30. Anything past that is cause for concern. After that point not many people would be expecting you to ever get married. Children on the other hand are expected within the early twenties, most times earlier because use of contraceptives and birth controls is not highly practiced.
ReplyDeleteI don't know much about the latter question, but I have noticed a few times in my first semester (SPRING 2019) that someone was getting married after graduation. Even a male friend of mine that graduated two years ago from ECU was expecting to get married to a young lady from Oklahoma after graduation. So, I could see why it may be cause for anxiety, because it's almost expected.
In the Bahamas, you are mostly encouraged to complete your schooling before getting involved with someone because a lot of the time, females would drop out because of pregnancy or just because of their boyfriends. Thinking about it now, I probably would be a bit anxious if I were single upon graduating, but I have so much more to do afterwards before settling down so I would get over that quickly.