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| "Self-Portrait with and without the Mask" (2005) by Francisco Clemente |
Do you share her sympathy for these women? Or do you feel that it is more the case that the women are to blame for seeking out these men and making them a part of their lives?
Thursday, July 11, 2019
217: Bad Dudes
Do you share her sympathy for these women? Or do you feel that it is more the case that the women are to blame for seeking out these men and making them a part of their lives?
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In the fifth grade, we learned about behaviors in nature. We learned that there are learned and instinctive behaviors. I believe that women choosing men who are not “good” for them is a learned behavior. I think that without Smarsh’s father being so loving and caring, or even if he had been absent, her life would have been very different. In fact, if Betty had never decided to marry Arnie, Jeannie wouldn’t have met Nick. Then the cycle of falling for the wrong men would have reverberated down the chain to Sarah. I think that if young girls don’t know what a good man is and if they don't see true love that isn’t abusive or crime-ridden, they won't know what love is. Is it their fault then if they spend their whole lives doing what their moms do? It should be a conscious effort to avoid these bad apples, but how can you stay away from the only thing you've ever known? Luckily, all the men in my life have been good, kind men. My dad has flaws, as do both of my grandfathers, but in general, they have been good to me and my brother. I’ve been very fortunate.
ReplyDeleteMake sure you add your name to your post if you're not using a Google account.
DeleteI share the same sympathy as Smarsh. While to a point women can be to blame for seeking out this type of man, most women don't know they are abusive at first, and by the time they realize they feel stuck. We often reverberate the behaviors of those around us, those raised in abusive homes, will likely enter abusive relationships. We are drawn to people that remind us of those we were raised by and around. Thats where we get the saying "you marry your mother". If all you have ever known is abuse and neglect it is likely that is what you will search for. That said, an effort should be made to avoid those you believe could harm you or your children.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, it depends on the circumstance. In “Heartland” I do have sympathy for these women because they were surrounded by terrible men their whole life. On the other hand, it could also be that the women are to blame for seeking out these men. My aunt grew up in a good home with 2 loving parents, and multiple brothers and sisters (including my dad). However, she got led down the wrong path and took interest into sketchy, no good men. My aunt got pregnant twice with two different men and had no idea how to raise two children by herself. My little cousins had a rough start to life; little to no food, old clothes, and a different man in the house every week who we believe may have been violent to them. My little cousins are now my little brother and sister after my parents adopted them, because my aunt could no longer take care of them. My siblings don’t know who their real father is, all because my aunt decided to seek out the wrong men for her life.
ReplyDeleteWomen and men are not going out seeking someone who is abusive, it’s ridiculous to even think that there are people out there who look for it. Betty wasn’t staying with those men because she loved them, at first maybe, but afterwards she knew she needed to make ends meet to care for her children. Women like that shouldn’t be treated as strong individuals, even though they are, they should be looked at as people who despite knowing better would do whatever it takes to care for their children. These women and men who deal with abuse everyday deserve so much better, and after reading about Betty’s abuse it made me tear up every few paragraphs. I can’t even think about going through that, especially not six or more times.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that people go into a relationship looking for abuse. I feel sympathy for those who do find it though. I could not imagine feeling trapped in a relationship that I did not feel safe in. I would like to say that if anyone hit me I would hit them back and leave immediately, but the truth is I think I would be too afraid to do any of that. I am proud of Betty for being able to get out of the situations that she was in, but I am sorry that she had to be in them in the first place.
ReplyDelete-Abigail Fowler
I feel that Betty married these guys too quickly before she knew their true nature of abusiveness. I do not think that anybody purposely seeks out an abusive relationship because nobody wants to be in one. I feel bad for the situations these women were placed in, but they should not have gotten associated with the wrong crowd. If they would have just been responsible and waited until they were married, she never would have had to marry Ray just because she was pregnant. This marrying spree would not have started either. It all could have been easily avoided. So, I do feel sorry for these women, but I do not understand why they put up with the sore losers to begin with. Do you want to be in a relationship bad enough that you will tolerate abuse? I know I definitely do not and I will not put up with it.
ReplyDeleteI do share the same sympathy for the women in "Heartland". Although abusive, these men provided a source of income to help make ends meet for their children. These women were aware of the abuse that these men inflicted, however, trying to remove themselves from the relationship could be much more harmful than enduring it. It's easy for people outside of a toxic relationship to be judgmental of those feeling stuck in one. It's not always easy to just "get out" or "leave". People in toxic/abusive relationships are often afraid to confront their partner on their actions because of the harm that may come afterwards. Why these women choose these abusive partners could either be from necessity, they have no other way to make ends meet and feed their children, or they are unaware of the true person they are becoming involved with. There's more to these relationships than just a man abusing a woman that won't leave him. There are many factors that cause these women to feel trapped with no other options.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, even once a woman realizes that she is in an abusive relationship, it may be too late to easily leave. She might be too scared to leave because of the repercussions if she gets caught by them, or might not want to risk it if she has children.
DeleteI agree with your outlook on this situation. Although the income was needed, the woman still should have really thought about their decision and whether it was truly worth their lives being put in danger just so they could have more money. Even without the abusive husbands the wives could have found a way to make ends meet.
DeleteI do not share Smarsh’s sympathy for the women who relied on sketchy, abusive men such as Ray and Aaron. Smarsh was an example that you do not have to have a husband to be able to succeed. As women, we must be wise about who we put our trust in and who we bring around our family. Although women were struggling, and these men had money, they could find another method such as welfare even though they did not want the state to help. Keeping these violent men around kids is ultimately up to the woman who is in a relationship with them. As a female in an abusive relationship, one should get out of that situation for herself and children.
ReplyDeleteIn the Bible the gospel of Matthew it states, "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep. clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." I feel as though this is applicable in the case of these woman. These men promise what looks like a way out to these women and at first, they put on a mask to hide their true self just like the wolves being dress as sheep scenario. They wait until they get married and then they let their true colors show and these women who thought that this man was their "savior" is now realizing that she is just stuck in a vicious cycle of poverty and violence. They might desire to get out but society at this time would brand them as the wrongdoer and they would be left as an outcast in society. To the ones who do get out of a toxic relationship what more do we expect from them but to return to what they know. It's kind of like us as people when it comes to friends. We are naturally drawn to the same type of friends whether that be athletic, artistic, scholastic etc. we always drift to what we are familiar with. The same is true for these women their whole life is a massive cycle of men treating them awfully. So, we as men need to MAN up and treat these women with the respect and love they deserve
ReplyDeleteI sympathize with women who are stuck in abusive situations, because they are not at fault for the actions of the men who abuse them. Victims of abuse don't "seek it out" when choosing a partner. Oftentimes men who think it's okay to hit women have witnessed violence against women growing up, and then perpetuate the cycle when they abuse women. Abusers generally conceal their true nature until their partner is dependent on them, such as with a pregnancy or shared living space. This dependency makes leaving abusive situations difficult for most victims. Even when a victim does leave the situation they often struggle to find a new living space or a job. We should provide more help to victims of abuse to escape dangerous situations. -Dixie Redman
ReplyDeleteI believe this question might not be a fair one to give a definitive answer on if a person has never been in that position. I would like to state that people are always drawn to what is familiar and are likely to fall into the cycles presented to them at young ages. Like generational poverty, generational domestic violence is a real thing. As advanced as we as humans have become, our ultimate goal in life is survival which means we have learned to endure pains in day to day life in order to scrape by. Women of Sarah Smarsh’s grandparents and mother’s generation were programmed to believe that they needed a man to make it in the world. Being familiar with the cycle of violence--and feeling they needed men to survive -- led to the perfect storm of the generational domestic abuse detailed in Heartland. So, while the feminist in me wishes these women would have picked themselves and their children out of these situations, my heart has complete sympathy for them.
ReplyDelete-Aislinn Beak
ReplyDeleteI can somewhat sympathize for these women. However, I believe their circumstances could have been prevented if they had not made poor choices, such as the decision to have sex with sketchy men. The choices they made as young women forced them into the position where they had to rely on them. I don’t think they sought out these men; no one ever does. However, the choices you make attract a certain type of people. If they would have made better choices at a young age, they would not have felt trapped and forced to rely on abusive husbands.