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| "The Lovers" (1928) by Rene Magritte |
Dweck, however, recommends the views of psychiatrist Aaron Beck, who cautions couples away from "fixed mindset thoughts" such as "My partner is incapable of change. Nothing can improve our relationship" (159).
Think about the people who have grown up with and gone to school with. Can you describe someone who seemed to change their personality when they were in a relationship? At what point can you say that change demonstrates growth and maturation and at what point can you say that it represents the betrayal of someone's identity in order to satisfy the expectations of other people?
My mother always told me that “I should not get into a relationship in hopes of changing the person. You can support them and explain to them your thoughts, but ultimately, it is their decision if they are going to change or not.” I still completely agree with this. Everyone has heard their friend say: “We’re back together because they have changed. It is different this time.” According to Beck, that is possible, and a growth mindset point of view. I believe that, to an extent, everyone changes at least a little bit when they get into a relationship. Whether it be that they’re happier, more into sports, or anything else, I don’t think that is necessarily a “bad change.” However, there are many times that you will see someone drastically change to make it into a social circle, and I think that those are the changes that people should be wary of.
ReplyDeleteHannah, I agree that people change when they get into a relationship. This makes me think of a movie called “The Runaway Bride.” In the movie, a woman drastically changes her personality to match the men that she dates and then leaves them when she realizes that they don’t like her, just what she made herself into. I use to compare a friend to this because her interest would change depending on who she was dating. It used to make me angry because I didn’t like seeing her change. However, now I understand that it is good to grow and change with your partner. They only hope is that that change is for the good of both people.
DeleteI think that change is mature when others can tell that the person who did it really lives the change. They are genuinely trying to be better in that area than they were before. If someone only changed because they are trying to please others, that is evident as well. I believe that if the change is not something that that person wanted to do, then it will be half-hearted. They might, in a way, be two-faced, behaving one way around the people who wanted the change and another way around others. As I have heard it said many times, "You can't make someone change. They have to want to."
ReplyDelete-Kaylee George
I really love your response to this question. I also believe that if a change is made but not necessarily wanted tat change will only be half-hearted and as result most likely will not stick once the person or thing that caused the change is gone.
DeleteI think it is a very good point that it should be a change they want to make. I think it should be voluntary and to improve their self as a person, not just to fit in.
DeleteMany of my very close high school friends, have all been involved in relationships, some have had numerous, while others have only had one that they are still participating in. On of my friends started dating an older boy when she was a freshman,she was a super sweet girl, and was also very respectful of adults. After being together with this boy for while, she starting to end contact with her friends, smart off to adults, and get into fights. She had changed and incredible amount from who she originally was, she betrayed herself,as she was no longer herself. Her and the mention boy are still together and she has yet to change, she has grown from who she was although it may not me a good growth. I feel that relationship take ahold of emotions, and have the ability to change you. Change can be good if you let it be, however the change my friend went through was not good for her or any one around her.
ReplyDeleteIt is sad that this actually happens fairly often. One person in a relationship can bring the other down to their level, instead of growing to get to the next level.
DeleteThis question definitely hits home with me. I have always been told I cannot change the way people act, but I still try. I have also been told I'm a good influence and parents tell me to try to hang out with there children. I have some children in the community that look up to me as a role model. This hits home because the relationship part of the question. At one part in my life I was in a on and off again relationship, and it seemed every time that he had changed but as soon as I fell back into the relationship it did not show. I do believe that it is possible for someone to change. I also know that people can change when they are in a relationship. Their personalities can completely change. During high school I think you see a lot of the personality changes happening, either from a romantic relationship or a friendship.
ReplyDeleteWhile my friends never came to me for advice, I was always the one to pick them up off the floor. Almost all of my friends have came to me after a failed relationship, with a person that has tore them down, for comfort. That friend has also came to me on down the road with enthusiasm about the way the guy had "changed" and in no time I would be picking them up again. They always went in thinking they could make them the person they wanted and were destroyed when they would not conform. Only in one case have I seen a guy completely change for one of my friends. This guy dropped his old friends and bad habits, because he truly cared about her. He completely changed his lifestyle and because of it they got married in July. Some people do change, like in that case, but you should never try to change someone unless you change some yourself, because compromise is a two way street.
ReplyDeleteMiKayla Lott
My best friend in high school had a huge problem with changing herself completely to fit what her boyfriend's interest were. I even sat her down one day and talked to her about it and she was aware that she did it and just enjoyed the process. She dated many different guys throughout high school and would dive head first into whatever they enjoyed. She has since grown out of this practice, but it would really worry me sometimes. The process that she went through was definitely not mature or after some growth. I think that there always has to be a balance in any relationship of adopting their interest and beliefs as your own, but you also have to give as much as you take. If your friend/significant other does not respect the things that you enjoy as much as you respect theirs then that is not healthy. The same goes for asking a person to change certain things about themselves to fit what you believe is right. If something really bothers you then communication is important, but you cannot be unwilling to also listen to their criticism when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteKay'Lee Maddox
I believe everyone is capable of change. I know that I have definitely changed when in a relationship with someone. For instance, I find myself liking new music to which I don't normally listen, or laughing at jokes I would roll my eyes at before. I don't think it is a bad thing to change based upon the person you are dating or even the friends with whom you surround yourself; what I think will negatively impact your future as well as your relationships is when one allows themself to lose sight of who they were before that other person came into their life. I believe one has abandoned their identity or true self when they no longer recognize the person in the mirror. Once I was looking back on old pictures of myself and I realized my smile was different--my eyes didn't have the sparkle they used to when I was truly happy. Then I remembered what I was going through at that time and had an epiphany: I was not happy at that previous time in my life, the time at which those pictures were taken. I remember that I was hanging out with different people who liked and believed things so different than my own interests and beliefs and I did it all to please the world and society instead of concerning myself with what made me happy. It is instances like these when a person has gone too far and lost their own identity. At this point, you are no longer changing to better yourself, you are instead changing to please others and that should not be your goal in life.
ReplyDeleteI knew this girl that was really smart in middle school. She was in advanced classes and had always done well in school. In high school, however, she changed. She began to focus on being "popular" and trying to get all the boys attention. I knew she was a smart person, and she was when the popular people weren't around. When the boys and all her "cool" friends were around, she would act like she did not know things in order to get attention. She was not her true self because she wanted to fit it, and it's sad that people completely change their personalities in a negative way to be "cool." Now when I see her, the smart and intellectual friend that I used to have is lost and she is now consumed by being fun and popular. I don't really see this as growing and maturing but remaining immature. One thing that I always have strived to do is always stay true to who I am. I believe that it is okay for people to change, and I think that it is necessary in life to grow, but grow in a positive way that will make you a better person. Change is great when you do it for yourself, not to please others.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think there is a difference between “growth” and “change”. One can easily make changes in their life without growing as a person.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think there is a big difference between changing WITH your partner and changing FOR your partner. Obviously in a relationship changes will have to be made to both lifestyles. When it is one sided is when it becomes a problem. A relationship is a giant compromise and making one person make all the sacrifices does not promote growth.
For all four years of highschool I had a friend who changed drastically every time she was in a relationship. When out of a relationship she would want to be with me and another of my friends constantly. To the point that she would be upset when we could not hang out with her. Then, when she would get into a relationship she barely talked to us unless we had class together. Once she was was out of the relationship again, she went back to wanting to be with us all the time like nothing ever happened.
A drastic change, such as ignoring all your friends, is not something I would consider a positive change. I definitely do not see it as a growth promoting change. Granted, in that situation neither option particularly demonstrated a healthy way of going about relationships or friendships.
With all that being said, there are times when changes can equal growth especially within a relationship. Growth with a partner is a very positive thing, in my opinion. Especially during high school and college years. During these times people are really starting to figure out who they are and who they want to be. A partner that pushes someone to be the best they can possibly be is definitely a positive thing. People are constantly changing and bettering themselves, whether through education, or otherwise. A partner who wants to see you succeed is incredibly important, and often times their encouragement promotes positive change.
One of my extremely close buddies that I went to high school with and still talk to him is the perfect example of identification crisis. In high school he had friends from different schools all around Pott. County and the surrounding counties. He was popular in every sense but we always hung out because we played baseball together and had a lot in common. Around junior year he had an identification crisis. One month he’d dress nice, go to church, post religious agendas on social media, and listen to gospel. Next month, he’d have his boots, jeans, and pearl snap shirts on (I do not think he has ever seen a farm.) He’d hang out with cowboys and go to all their rodeo events etc. Next, he would be a skater and so on and so forth. I certainly believe when he hung out with different groups he would change his entire lifestyle to fit theirs. Although change is necessary and I love the man to death, he changed his whole entire identity to fit in and I never agreed with him on it.
ReplyDelete