"Hiding" (2017) by Jenni Granholm
According to Grant, "research shows that how often parents argue has no bearing on their children's academic, social or emoational development. What matters is how respectfully parents argue, not how frequently" (80).
He adds that "being able to have a good fight doesn't just make use more civil; it also develops our creative muscles" (80).
Would you describe yourself as someone who seeks out lively arguments or someone who seeks to defuse tensions? How have your tendencies in this regard been beneficial or harmful to you?
He adds that "being able to have a good fight doesn't just make use more civil; it also develops our creative muscles" (80).
Would you describe yourself as someone who seeks out lively arguments or someone who seeks to defuse tensions? How have your tendencies in this regard been beneficial or harmful to you?
I tend to avoid conflict like the plague. I would say that this is something that I have picked up from my mother. Whenever any political subject comes up at the dinner table, I tend to change the subject as me and my dad disagree on some things. My dad will fight to the death to prove that he is right, even if he is wrong. my conflict aversion has not been great in some of my personal relationships. Sometimes, I fail to say what should be said and the friendship will fizzle out. Or eventually I will explode and say too much and the friendship will end. I admire people who can have an argument or a disagreement with another person and still maintain a respectful friendship. I am working on overcoming my fear of conflict because I feel like it will benefit my personal and professional life.
ReplyDeleteLibby Revel
People often say that speaking up for yourself is an important skill to have, and they aren't wrong. However, I don't hear too often the importance of knowing when to and when not to speak up. Conflict aversion can help people maintain relationships. Not everything is something that needs to be fought over.
DeleteLibby,
DeleteI tend to avoid conflicts too. I am not great at arguing with others and tend to keep quiet and stay in the back while others seek out lively argument. I am not so great at saying what needs to be said either. I have had many experiences in the past where that has been a problem.
I often seek to defuse arguments between others, but I have been known to join in on occasion if I think one person is refusing to see the truth. This tendency of mine has been mostly beneficial as it has earned me the status of mediator in many circles. A title I hold with pride. Though I will say, not everyone appreciates a game of devil’s advocate.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it depends on the argument itself. If people are emotionally invested in the argument, I tend to defuse the situation. As Grant mentions, in this state people are in preacher, politician, or prosecutor mode, and they are trying to defend part of their identities and attack the other person instead of respectfully listening and learning from each other. From my experience, these arguments usually devolve quickly and only end in hurt feelings and bruised relationships. However, if people are simply stating facts, respectfully listening to each other, and trying to learn, I will usually join in. I enjoy listening to other people’s perspectives and learning something new while defending my own perspective. When I join in a lively debate, I feel that it benefits me as I usually learn something new. It gets me to see a topic from someone else’s perspective, and I begin to problem solve in more creative ways. Defusing emotionally charged arguments has helped me learn to identify when my own arguments become the same, and I have learned what and what not to do when trying to put out other’s arguments.
ReplyDeleteI see myself as someone who seeks out lively arguments. This has come to light the more I take classes that are more discussion based such as Enduring Questions 1 and 2. This has led to the shifting of my personal views more and friendships as well as some hurt feelings and unintelligent arguments. There have been people who I have had a discussion with that have been receptive to what I have to say whether they agree with me or not and I have learned from these discussions and even thought differently from them but there have been people who did not agree who had some hurt feelings as they may go into the “prosecuting” mode as Adam Grant calls it.
ReplyDeleteI would describe myself as one who as lively arguments. I try to always be calm in what I am arguing about. When is comes to arguments I find myself very talented at it but sometimes I can beat people down rather then help them learn. In my mind their are two ways that I can argue. The first way is the sledgehammer tactic, the goal of this tactic is to beat your opponent down and make them feel as if they are in a corner. This tactic rarely changes what somebody think to be true, but in turn makes them more stubborn and probably leaving the argument with a pretty strong hatred for you and what ever you were arguing for. The second tactic is the crowbar method. This tactic is slow and not aggressive, the goal is to pry open the mind of whoever you are arguing with. This tactic often leaves your opponent questioning what they believe and probably viewing you as this ultra wise person
ReplyDeleteI am not one for arguments, I am the type of person who will do everything possible to avoid an argument. However, when one does start the idea of “think before you speak” is no longer important to me. Having arguments with others has taken its toll on my relationship with friends and family members. When discussing topics that I have strong opinions about I become arrogant, and my ego multiplies by ten. It is very rare to catch me having a serious argument with anyone anymore due to my toxic trait costing me more than I thought it would. I now choose to keep my mouth shut and emotionally/mentally “shut down” in order to avoid verbal conflict with others.
ReplyDeleteDeborah Thornton
I have always been a stereotypical people pleaser, I will tell people whatever they want to hear as long as it makes them happy. I often stretch myself too thin, because I can’t say no if people ask me for help. All of this, just to avoid conflict, because I have always viewed conflict as others being angry at me. I have learned to avoid conflict and fight this way from my parents, my mother can be very passive aggressive and won't ever tell you what's wrong, and my father will just agree with you and do what he wants instead of having a problem with you. Avoiding conflict has always been both beneficial and harmful in my life. For example, I never have to fear that anyone is mad at me, and that they are feeling good about themselves. On the other side, I also never have gotten what I want out of life, I am just submissive to what others want and am constantly exhausted and drained because I never am able to do the things that I want. I have actively been working on gaining the confidence to stand up for myself and embrace conflict and it has greatly improved the way that I fight.
ReplyDeleteMady Emerson
I relate to being a "people pleaser" myself as well! I understand how you are feeling when you mentioned the benefits and harmful effects of avoiding conflict. I, myself, am also in the process of finding the right balance to stand up for myself and freely express my opinions and views.
DeleteI would without a doubt say that I seek to defuse arguments. I dislike causing conflict with others. As much as I hate to admit it, I am what you would call a “people pleaser.” I like to be liked by others. In some ways I find that this has harmed me in my relationships with friends and coworkers. In many cases I could see how a respectful argument would be a good thing. In the book there was a section about the Wright brothers that stuck out to me. Wilbur Wright stressed about how he saw arguments as opportunities to test and refine ones thinking rather than taking arguments personally. I admire this type of thinking as well as people that can carry out these types of respectful arguments. I am working to better myself in this aspect and to embrace lively conflict.
ReplyDeleteThe section about the Wright brothers stuck with me too! I also tend to diffuse conflict, so it’s interesting to see how others sometimes view it as a positive experience instead of a negative one to be avoided.
DeleteI would completely describe myself as someone who avoids conflict or arguing, at all costs. I would rather be upset with someone and not saying anything about it instead of saying something and possibly arguing about the matter. I would say I seek to defuse tensions. I like to think of myself as a peacemaker because I always try to make sure there is no conflict. However, I believe that this is harmful to myself. It causes me to lock my emotions inside and never truly solve a problem. In the end, things are not progressing.
ReplyDelete-Anna Herd
I wouldn't say that I actively seek out arguments, but I'm definitely always up for a healthy debate. I am not one to shy away from opposition, I've done competitive speaking for years and pride myself on my ability to share my views effectively. However, I've learned over time how to choose my battles. Not everything is worth arguing over simply for the sake of hearing my own voice. While I am not afraid of conflict, I often find myself looking for common ground when speaking to someone who holds a different position than myself in an attempt to dissipate some potential hostility. You may have noticed I said I liked "healthy" debate, not fiery bouts of aggression. When a situation turns from civil to hostile, I try to lean away from my confrontational instincts and play into my defuser mode. That being said, I've found my assertiveness to do me well over the years.
ReplyDelete- Morgan McClellan
I tend to avoid arguments as much as possible. When two people are arguing about something aggressively, or I think they might get aggressive, I will try to leave that area. I hate it when two people are arguing about something and they bring me into it. Occasionally I will join in the argument to defuse it, only to make it worse and start arguing myself. Some arguments aren’t bad though. Some of them I end up in on accident. I will be talking to someone about something and then one of us will say something that the other wouldn’t have thought of and then a more or less peaceful argument starts.
ReplyDeleteAs I’ve grown up, I’ve been a people pleaser through and through. Back in the day, I would’ve rather died than presented someone with a conflict between us. I always pictured conflict as negative, and more of a match ending in anger and separation. I had no idea that conflict can be presented in a healthy and kind way. Now that I’m older, I realize that there are amazing ways to communicate through conflict. I know now that it is better to talk about things than sit and stew over them. All that accomplishes is making you more angry and more likely to have a not-so-healthy confrontation. Presently, I am not as scared of conflict. I am more willing to say something to someone in a nice way so that it’s not a problem later on. People generally react pretty well to that. I am so glad I have this tool now.
ReplyDeleteBeing honest, I am one to take part in an argument. I wouldn’t say I actively “search” or “seek out” an argument, but if an argument forms then I typically take part in it. I do this for a variety of reasons, first off if someone is being rude to others, or forcibly putting another down because they disagreed with them, oh yeah I’m going to take part since that’s not cool. On the other hand, I like to have productive arguments with people. I like this because it allows us to speak our minds, while embracing and questioning the other side. In other words, it’s more of a curiosity thing, you’re curious to keep exploring and talking about the topic on hand. For me, since I like to take part in arguments, it has been beneficial in many ways, and also damaging. Since I’m a confrontational person, I have no problem saying it as it is, but people don’t always appreciate it. It’s sometimes a shock to some people since they’re not used to hearing it that way, while others really appreciate hearing it like that. So I guess it varies with each person and how comfortable they are with hearing it that way. It’s made my relationships with others stronger since they can count on me to tell them how it is with no sprinkles on it. Others tend to distance themselves or find alternate company.
ReplyDeleteI am someone who seeks to defuse tensions. Conflict makes me uncomfortable, even when I am not directly involved in the argument. I have always been a people pleaser, and I tend to take things personally, even when I know I should not. I found the first paragraph on page 82 of Think Again to be very relatable. Grant writes about his experience when it comes to avoiding even the slightest conflicts. He mentions over-apologizing in situations when he is not at fault. I am also one to apologize when it is unnecessary. I have found that my tendency to avoid conflict has been both beneficial and harmful. While I have never had a falling out with a friend or family member because of a petty argument, people sometimes see me as a pushover because they know I will avoid most conflicts. I hope to reduce this aversion to conflict as time goes on
ReplyDeleteI have learned to choose my battles. I used to seek out arguments just for the sake of arguing. As I have grown and matured, I have realized that some things just are not worth arguing over. Sometimes I find myself getting riled up and thinking I want to do one thing just to calm down and realize that I was overreacting and that it was not as big of a deal as I thought it was. I have learned that most of the time when I would seek out those arguments, it would never benefit me or change the other person’s mind. If both of those were true, why was I arguing? That is what I had to ask myself in order to change my behavior and I am glad to be changing for the better.
ReplyDeleteI believe I am in the middle of defusing tension and seeking arguments, but it depends on who the person is. If it’s my family member, I give them a “run for their money”. The greatest example is between my father and me- he and I have differing political ideologies, and we tend to get into heated arguments. My father is very closed-minded when it comes to other ideas that do not fit within the party he is associated with. In fewer words, if he does not agree with it, you’re wrong. In contrast, I will not discuss politics or controversial topics with friends or strangers. Not discussing topics with friends or strangers is beneficial for me. Many individuals cannot accept that you have differing views than them, so I decided that it’s for the best to stay quiet.
ReplyDeleteI find myself to be one who seeks out lively arguments. This may be the result of living and growing up with two sisters who are fairly close in age. I am glad for all of those silly arguments over shoes or what we wanted to eat for dinner because I grew up being able to voice my opinion and being able to express my feelings. Instead of shutting down or letting people walk all over me when they have a different view on a topic, I am able to explain my viewpoint without feeling like my views do not matter. I also believe that it is extremely important to hear the opposing side of the argument. It is crucial for us as humans to learn and grow from one another and evolve our own believes overtime. Arguing can be a wonderful thing as long as it does not get taken too far.
ReplyDeleteI would like to believe I am one that tries to diffuse an argument. Although, it depends on the severity of the argument. For example, if I'm arguing with a friend I might push back a little more and seek more of an argument, but if I am in a serious argument with my parents, I will tend to be more quiet and understanding in attempt to settle the argument quickly. I believe my way of dealing with arguments and debates have done my fine in my life. I will sometimes get myself into trouble when I don't listen to my opposer enough, sometimes cutting them off focusing more on the point I'm making, but that is something I am working on.
ReplyDeleteI would say I partake in both lively arguments and peaceful resolutions. Majority of the time when I seek to diffuse tensions, it's simply because I'm trying to keep the peace. I noticed this quality about myself during my senior year of high school when I was Team Captain of my softball team. I found the best way to keep a team together was to peacefully resolve issues, the problem was, to do so required patience, which is rare among teenage girls. When I want to come to a peaceful solution and diffuse tensions I listen and try and be understanding of the person I’m arguing with. If you are dead set in your ways and have no interest in understanding someone else's opinion, then why would they try to understand yours. As Adam Grant states "the solution is not to decelerate our thinking- it's to accelerate our rethinking." I took this to say that if you open your mind to new ideas, there is a good chance it will benefit you in some way, whether that's altering your opinion or just keeping a relationship intact. This approach has been most beneficial to me in terms of keeping friendships. However, on some rare occasions I attack arguments with no regard for the other persons opinion. I find myself in lively arguments, usually with people I have to interest in being friends with and when I’m discussing things I am extremely passionate about. Adam Grant would describe this as “prosecutor mode,” where I have no interest in changing my perspective. I hope to avoid taking this approach in the future and strive to be consistently understanding of other people.
ReplyDeleteGiven the two options that are presented, I feel that I am more of the type that enjoys making peace with another rather than seeking out a lively debate. I personally do not like conflict, but when I am presented with it I always try to make peace in the end because I feel that it is a more satisfying way to leave an argument. Also, as I have matured I find that rather than picking arguments with others, I enjoy finding solutions to problems. I feel that finding solutions offers an outcome where both parties feel heard, rather than lively arguments where one can feel beaten down and misunderstood. While diffusing conflict is the way to go for me, everything comes with its downsides. If you are a natural argument diffuser, it can feel like you are not getting to express your opinion to anyone in fear that it may spark a negative response from others. I know from experience that repressing emotions and opinions like that can take a hefty toll on your mental health after a while.
ReplyDelete-Abi Johnson
80. I believe that I am the kind of debater that will look for interesting viewpoints and ideas on a topic, and subtly start up a conversation that I can turn into a full blow debate. Not a fight, mind you, I don't like want to attack others, but a sort of comparison match on what we know. I enter a debate not just to prove to myself or anyone else that I am right. I actually stir up debates in others for the exact opposite reason! I enjoy the art of constructive debate because it allows me to use the parts of my brain that could always use a good stretch, while also expanding my horizons around even more than just what the debate is about. For instance, I do not enter political debates by ever naming which candidate I believe in. I subtly ask my target/partner what they see in a particular candidate. From this I can get a small sample of what certain groups of people see and feel about certain topics. This most likely stems from my enjoyment of Sociology which studies this exact thing, but I do not feel confidant in saying I debate like a Sociologist. In fact, because I am only human too, I often find myself speaking more as The Prosecutor and getting my own two cents in whenever I can However, I also am very well known as the devil's advocate for a reason. I am known to always be on the opposite side of a viewpoint and will use this vantage point to draw out more opiniated and deeper thoughts about the topic. So, long story very short I don't think of myself as a seeker of lively arguments, but more of a petitioner of Engaging Thought.
ReplyDeleteI do partially agree that arguments argued in the right way are better than arguments that turn ugly, but I think parents constantly arguing in front of their children isn’t helpful at all. Even if it is more respectful. Coming from a household where my parents argue about the littlest of things, it is stressful and quite annoying. However, not to contradict myself, but I do think that kids seeing how a respectful argument can play out is important as well. I think it’s a good lesson on how to maintain peace while still staying true to your opinion. I would consider myself someone who seeks out lively arguments. Being a political science major, I like to know how people think about various political or controversial topics. I definitely don’t start a conversation with a debate, but if the conversation moves that way, I’m more inclined to talk about it. I also like to mitigate and make sure I hear their side on a particular issue. It isn’t a well-rounded and meaningful conversation if they’re or I’m just babbling about whatever I think is right and just. I’m also used to conversations leaning this way when people ask me what my major is. I tell them political science and then they continue to go into more controversial topics or ask me which politicians I dislike and like. I think my tendencies in this regard have been mostly beneficial, but I think people assume that I am a pushover or that I agree with what they are saying. Mostly because I actually stay quiet and listen and then proceed with what I think. I do think it is vital to have a good balance for more sincere conversations or debates.
ReplyDelete- Delanie Seals
DeleteI am the type of person who avoids conflict at all costs and definitely will try to defuse tensions between others. My younger brother, on the other hand, is the opposite and is lively in arguments. I tend to see conflict as a negative thing, so I try to avoid it completely. However, not all conflict is bad and I am trying to work on seeing the positive side and how speaking up is essential in making your voice heard. It is difficult for me to engage in lively arguments because I struggle with debating with others due to the fact that I don't want anyone to be angry or upset with me. This can have negative outcomes because it doesn't allow me to express myself fully. It can also have a positive outcome because avoiding conflict makes me feel better and "at peace." However, I am working on trying to find the right balance so that I can fully voice my opinions.
ReplyDeleteSince the widespread Covid pandemic, my conversational skills have greatly changed, possibly even gotten worse. Before, I was a strong mediator/diplomat. I could sit within an argument, but my decision was not to stir it, but to rather settle it to a point in which everyone gets something out of it. This gets harder and harder to do as you get to deal with increasingly intelligent/mature groups. I don't believe that my ability increased at a steady rate to be able to do such in a college setting. I eventually started trying to focus on relaxing the mind to things that don't matter to me. This has had both positive and negative consequences. Positives include: better ways of dealing with stress, finding better ways to get around a single problem, better focus, etc. I feel like the negatives have me hard at being able to question other people when they say something I may not agree with. I tend to let my mind rest when I do not wish to engage in an argument, and I simply think that I do not have the ability to quickly pull thoughts together for a productive argument at the moment. This is something I will have to further work on.
ReplyDelete-Toby Pyle
For me whether I seek to argue or to diffuse and argument depends on the topic. If it is a topic, I feel very strongly about I am very likely to join in on the argument and present my side. On the other hand, if the topic is not something I particularly care for I would try and diffuse the situation instead of joining in on the argument. This has been both beneficial and harmful to me. When it is harmful is when I feel way to strongly about a topic, I tend to only care about making sure they know I am right, and they are wrong instead of having a productive debate it turns to a screaming match. It is usually beneficial for me when I try to diffuse the situation because then I am open to hearing both sides of the argument and weighing them against each other instead of just sticking to my guns.
ReplyDelete-Riley Knickmeyer
I am definitely someone that seeks out lively arguments. It annoys me to no end when people are wrong, and it is incredibly annoying to me when they disagree with something that is very obviously true. I argue about little things, big things, and completely inconsequential things. I don't think my tendencies in this regard have truly affected my life in any meaningful way. Besides making me try extra hard during debates in class.
ReplyDeleteI would almost describe myself as a little of both? I mainly try to avoid it out of fear of disagreement with others as I'm unsure of where most people stand on most of the world's issues; However, there are a few people whose opinions are known to me and time and again we may seek each other out to debate a little bit. I would say my tendencies on both sides of the spectrum have been beneficial to me in the long run. It has given me knowledge on how to avoid topics when necessary and how to have a professional debate with ideas. Just because you and someone else disagree on a particular topic does not mean that at the end of the day you have to be enemies. Keeping things professional, you can have a difference in what you believe and still see the other person for what they are: A human like you and me. We are all entitled to what we believe so long as we do not force those ideals upon others.
ReplyDeleteI used to be one who would step up to the challenge of a good argument, but it usually ended up making enemies as I would typically get defensive and say things I didn't actually believe. Now I typically only get into arguments if it's something of immediate precedence or importance, or unless it's a, fun, subjective matter on certain movies or books that I've read. I usually try and keep the tone light to avoid making enemies with people, especially in cases where I have to be stuck with that person for any long period of time. Some big topics are actually pretty exhausting to argue about anyways, since peoples opinions on those matters are pretty set and it does nothing but upset.
ReplyDeleteElias
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